Jam and Toast

find. me

2006-03-21T22:18:00.000+08:00

I've moved not too long ago. Let's see if you can find me.

:0

It's not too hard, so if you can't, you're really stupid.

Maybeohnoes

2006-03-15T12:21:00.000+08:00

I don't know what it's about, but..

I'm pretty....confused, maybe? I don't know what it's about..who it's about....
but just...y'know....

They're blind. Sometimes I think they are.
I don't know.....
It doesnt mean I like myself or what I'm doing.
Well....no one likes to be down all the time.....no one likes to feel like their abandoned.

Keh, well maybe...maybe I'm too much of an elitist....perfectionist....maybe a little of a snob when it comes to how a person thinks?

Well, I don't know. But I guess I just don't agree with anything she does.
I just don't agree on how people see her. I just don't agree when people think she's smart or anything. I'll be frank with that.

Yes...come to think of it, it could very well be jealousy. But it's an odd kind of jealousy, yes?

Oh for goodness's sake. If someone deems herself to be miserable all the time or seeks attention, you know she's got issues. Obviously, she doesn't want it that way. She's confused. And when she thinks back, she hates the way she's done it. I do feel that a lot of times. I feel this odd pang of regret whenever I recall myself doing soemthing so stupid to get attention or something like that. Come to think of it, I don't even know why I want attention. Yes....I do feel confused on this. The people around me don't get it either. In fact, they get annoyed with me for being so self-absorbed. I mean, when someone calls you 'self-absorbed' to the face, it feels really horrible. Sometimes I feel like I'm misunderstood at this point, because I DO care for people...it's just that I don't show it, or find it hard to show it....and I'm sometimes so self-absorbed beause I worry about so many things at once, I can't help but only think of myself. I guess sometimes I just don't really trust people. I guess I've never been comfortable around people I don't know well. I would just sit in the corner and do nothing when all the other kids played at my PAP kindergarden (thank goodness my parents transferred me out to kinderland after that).

U________________U I hate it that I'm typing this post. I feel like I'm degrading myself. THough that's techinically not the best word to use. I guess I feel like I'm actually going by what poeple say of me....by what I don't think is true....or maybe what is true but I just don't want to accept it.

Well. There's one thing I don't agree with entirely. I don't think I'm a bad friend. Not exactly...I mean I know I've done some things. Yes, I'll say it with conviction. Sometimes I feel that there's no-one there for me. When I had issues and I wanted to tell someone about them, it always just tumbled out weird, so I clamped up. And I guess, my hypersensitivity found it hard to accept when people seemed distanced or when they said something quite insensitive, even though they didn't mean it at all. My sensitivity is BOTH a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I feel it's more like a curse.

My parents are very supportive people. I have a very supportive family. Only sometimes they don't seem to know what makes me tick. It's like when I was listening to Kuuchuu Buranko and my mom said, "Hey...that sounds like She Bangs," which made me mad because to me, she was throwing an insult because....OMG COME ON RICKY MARTIN AND PLASTIC TREE?!?!?!? SERIOUSLY WTF??!??

Wow. That was really weird, because, all of a sudden, something just hit me, and I feel relieved. Maybe it was God. No, there's no sarcasm in that sentence. I just don't want to hate her anymore. It's a waste of my energy and I'll be with her on the Literature trip anyway. I always talk about how some people can be so judgemental and unaccepting, when sometimes I guess my mentality is like that. NO, I'm not admitting to being a hypocrite....I'm only saying that I should be going for what I stand for. I mean, hey, there're different sorts of people out there...and well...

Ah...we'll see. won't we? :>

Sail away

2006-03-14T14:55:00.000+08:00

Math class. Medical appointment after that.

I've been told got an anxiety disorder. It's easily treatable, so they gave me some medication for that.

Yuuuuup.....

SO UM KAY (Art Trail)

2006-03-13T22:12:00.000+08:00

I'm really tired nowwww....so if there's any stupid typo errors in here, do forgive me, please.

'Keedokee. I woke up at 7.45/52 today...took my own sweet time doing things, and rushed off to school at around 8.45 for my Art Trail thingy.

So we stopped first at the goat farm, after the bus uncle kept driving around in circles. We got to see the goats being milked and then the guy in charge ran throuhh some explanations about...something. The one thing I couldn't quite agree with them though, was their method of burning the young goats' horns off so they wouldn't injure the other goats...and stuff. o_o (I'm too tired to remember much) The kids were really cute but they LICKED MY DAMN FINGERS..which is really JUST NOT DONE. It felt all hot...and bubbly. o__o Their fur was quite coarse though, much to my surprise (I thought it would be all nice and soft).

Goat shit stinks really horribly, though. They don't attract flies, but they stink reeeeeally bad.

OOH the vegetable farm was up next. We got those weird icky veggie drinks...and it smelled PRETTY gross....but it wasn't too bad tasting, although I wouldn't reccomend you tasting it if you don't like the idea of drinking lettuce. It was nice, strolling through, if a bit boring and forgettable, under the hot midday sun, and the muffled drone of the old guide lady.

After that, we went off to have lunch a the INdian restraunt.
The food was pretty good, but I'm a girl who goes for a very simple palate, so all the flavours coming together in the rice didn't settle too well with me. I mean, I like it, bu it just wasn't much to my tastes. The lime juice was good, however, and I quite liked the chicken.

We were left to explore Little India after that, and then we did something really pointless and went somewhere else and I almost PUKED ON THE TRAIN BECAUSE I WAS SO FULLL AND THE TRAIN WAS JERKING BACK AND FORTH.

The art mueseum was really nice. I'll admit that I've never been to a gallery properly and looked at its art pieces. I have a few favourites in there. Oh, and the exhibition was on Asian cubism. I'd reccomend you to go see it.

UM KAY. I just realized I forgot what time I'm supposed to be at school tomorroooooow. NICE...real nice.

Death of origins

2006-03-12T18:54:00.001+08:00

HAS SINGAPORE NO ORIGINALITY AT ALL?!?!?

I came home (yes I actually went out!! omg!!), rewound my tape to watch Gundam Seed Destiny, and then, right in front of me, one of the greatests examples of how unoriginal Singapore is unfolded before me.

Apparently, some kids channel is starting a spastic brand new series called "____ Wild Adventures". I don't know why the thought of the Wild Thornberries popped into my head then, but it did. I continued watching, my left eyebrow partly raised.
AND OOOOOOH HERE'S THE FUN PART:

The show's about a girl who can talk to animals.

I don't care about the whenever-she-sneezes-everything-turns-to-animation part that follows, because, well, I think it's pretty obvious it's a rip-off from an already present concept.

I might get sued for defamation, or whatever shit big-shots are sueing everyone these days, but I'm TELLING WHAT IS OBVIOUS AND RIGHT SMACK INFRONT OF YOUR FACE.

This is actually one of the many reasons why I am embarassed to be Singaporean.

Sneezes and paints

2006-03-11T11:21:00.000+08:00

MERRRRRRRRF.

I'll be shifting toooooooooooo:

cradleofsaturn.blogspot.com

OR

Jet-harkley.blogspot.com

I CAN'T FRIGGIN DECIDE. :D

Friday's a good day to die

2006-03-10T18:04:00.000+08:00

Whoopee. Its the last day of school.

Go and shoot yourself people.
My grades aren't horrible, but I failed my Maths. -curses- Assholes. D<

I made a private diary entry to myself yesterday. Sometimes I think it disturbs me...how I am.

Today was horrible because it started out horrible (I switched off the alarm clock thinking I'd be able to wake p a few minutes later; instead I woke up at 6:45. ~_~ NICE.)
Mrs Bhatia came back, and we got our seating arrangements re-arranged, and I was just almost doomed to a year (or at least a few months) of insufferable torture. GRAAAHHH!!! I cannot stand HER (NOT mrs bhatia...someone else). >_>; She's almost like a C.Y carbon copy. I escaped doom by switching places with Cheryl. I am now smack at the front of the class (Nice going, girl), with Grace, nonetheless. I can tell she's a bit more pissed and twitchy after yesterday. Wouldn't blame her though.

PE was almost a nightmare. As much as I am romanced by the idea of vampires, I still am quite nerved when Renaa yells that everytime I'm running back and forth on the basketball court.

I like bananas.

Doom piggies, and....Literature trip?

2006-03-09T19:30:00.000+08:00

Okay, I'm in for the Lit trip, so I guess I'm kinda excited. :P

When I was sitting there in that room, all I could think was ,"my name won't be called my name won't be caled my name won't be called." I was correct, actually, because they only called out the names of those who would not be going.

Sometimes I wonder if it's just coincidence or whether, just maybe, it's my mental powers at work. O__O

I'm pretty irritated because they are a number of really annoying people going. And I'm bummed that a couple of others couldn't go too. I don't know. Now that I know she's going, I'll just be in my isolated, shell stage again. It's like everytime I'm around her it feels like I'M the underachiever, like I'M the one who's not as good. Sometimes I just think everyone's blind to see her that way. Sometimes I wonder how people don't see how severely ovverated she is.

At least the people I'm around with these days sees it. I find Germaine smiling a lot more openly these days. :] I think it's nice.

Gah....it's the last day of school tomorrow, but it sure doesn't feel that way for me. -shrugs- Somehow, it still feels like I'm all alone.

Im tired

2006-03-08T18:40:00.000+08:00

I'm tired so Blllllllllllllegh.

I did my stupid autobiography essay till late last night...and then finished it this morning before I went to school. The shit part of the whole thing is that I found out that it was due on Friday.

Great. This just ALWAYS has to happen to me.

I get the feeling I'm being ignored by a lot of people. I don't like it, of course. Sometimes I find that I, though often unconsiously, might be attracting more attention than I want or handle. Sometimes I wish that everyone would just walk pass me by like I was invisible. I try to keep so awfully quiet, but then I always end up saying something sooner or later.

I wish I wasn't so impulsive.

Am I boring you out? I know I am.
'Kay. So, um....

Please go away.

the strangler

2006-03-07T18:29:00.000+08:00

I didn't realize that my arm was held against her throat that hard. I didn't realize she was clawing and grabbing at my arm.

Stop.

Stop. Stop.

I don't know what got to me. It was the adrenaline, I think. I think everyoneone else was scared. I was more excited than scared or anything. I hope I didn't hurt her neck too bad.

Okay, fine. My initial concept was wrong. I guess I sorta like my relief art teacher. We're just not used to her style of teaching. She's a different generation from Mrs Ong, that's all. And I think the main reason why I felt like I didn't like her, was because I thought she didn't like my work and understand where I was coming from. Part of me thought maybe my work wasn't good enough.

I'll freely admit it. Yes, I have low self-esteem.

Go ahead. Laugh.
It's not like I care anyways.

traitor cake

2006-03-06T17:32:00.000+08:00

School was horrible today. Horrible thing with the cake. I had no part in it but I wish I could've prevented it. And some girl strangled Amu outside our class today for...something. My lips are sealed.

I can't think of anyone to write for my biography essay. I'm in a much too crappy mood right now to do an autobiogrpahy, even though content-wise, it WOULD be easier. I've got a few poeple in mind, actually...Jhonen Vasquez...Hayao Miyazaki...Marie Curie? Or maybe I should just do Hitler or Lenin or something. x) Or Evita.

I've got to go to the stupid stadium tomorrow for that dumb novelty 90 m run thing. I don't see the point.

I don't feel like doing art. The relief teacher just makes it hard. I'd feel like everything I'm doing is just to please her, not myself.

So.
What should I do?

Hopeless flowers

2006-03-05T12:22:00.000+08:00

I think I can say this with conviction:

I do not like my relief art teacher.

Haha, yes, I do like her style of art, and the sort of ideas she conveys, but I don't like how she's imposing all these things on us, much as they could work. And work pretty damn well.
She's not a teacher--that's a fact. Much as she is more experienced and more knowledgable to issues than us ignorant fools, I can't say she's good, and I can't say I like her. I don't like how she tells us what we should have, when she doesn't really know our thought process. What pisses me off the most is that at the end of those two shit-filled periods she tells us that she doesn't think we're, "thinking enough".

Fuck was I pissed.

I was really irritated and uncomfortable how she was regarding my work. I don't think she gets what I am trying to do with my pieces. As immature and maybe shallow the thought is in my piece, that's the thought I WANT. It doesn't doesn't have to mean that THAT is what I am thinking. I can just be conveying a random message to the world to tell them what's out there. Yes, subcultures and so on are really influenced by the media, but I don't like the idea of it. It's just all complete bullshit when I think of it that way.

I feel pressured. I've never really felt this pressured before in my art. But maybe I can put this bit of it into my work. -grins- All hail anger.

I'm quite irritated at the moment because I realized how I devote almost every second to how I am going to handle my schoolwork. School is running me now more than ever!! I hate it. ._. And I have to write a 300-500 word biography/autobiography by Wednesday and I can't think of anyone to write. Okay, so maybe I can, but I'm not sure what I want to write about them.

Really nervous now about the Literature trip. And something else. It's been invading my mind night and day it's making me very, very confused. I hope these thoughts would stop soon.

tsumetai, tsumetai

2006-03-03T16:23:00.001+08:00

(MULTIPLE EDITS DUE TO HUNDREDS OF TYPO ERRORS T____T;;;)

I had a nightmare last night.

I dreamt that my sister and I both had a premonition that an astroid was going to collide into earth and that half of the earth's population would be killed. (techinically, that's not very true, but see, that's what I said, and the scene that unravelled before us was HALF of the earth, well...being detroyed. Yep. Split in the middle) And then we both woke up or something, and looked down our window in the dining room, to see an astroid collid with earth. It was a very weird image though, because 'earth' was a big blackish ball right below my window...and it was in...space. o__o But I was supposed to be on earth. Only earth was right beneath me.

So there's a loud rumble, and I start to get afraid. Then there's something about us all ending up in some weird space station thing, and then edmun chen appearing OUT OF NOWHERE (I don't know what he's dong here, really)...and then some really disgusting, big round lumps start appearing on my arm...and then I'd apparently got loopus (..or something....:l)....which in my dream apparently meant insanity. And I was going...to die.

There're many other things that happened in my dream, but they're not important. I remember waking up this morning and thinking "omg that was JUST A DREAM." I was so afraid of dying that my senses were all out when I woke up. I spent the entire of breakfast being extremely unsettled.

Being already that unsettled didn't help me in my Lit test. I've got to get used to the format of Literature tests. I'm so out of it. Plus, I was sneezing a lot, which really ruffled my mind and thinking.

Dammit. Dx I NEED TO DO MORE LIT PRACTICE.

Oh, and PE was the best. I got hit in the face with the floorball ball. =_____________=;;;;

So now I have a huge horrible blue-blackey bruise on my nose.
YAY.

ajfhjhjksffds

2006-03-01T18:41:00.000+08:00

When I went home yesterday by the back gate, I saw a lump of flattened grey fur in my path. I was pretty sure it was fur--the bits of hair drifting off the body into the wind confirmed it. It was a dead mouse. I'm quite sure I got a bit of it on my shoes.

Today, I leant over Amutha's desk and bumped into her cup of test-tubes, which clattered to the floor and broke with a sickening shatter. I think I stepped on some of the glass and now I've got glass stuck on my shoes too, along with dead-mouse fur. >.<

I'm just....really drained. I retouched my art last night (at almost 12), and my night was plagued of dreams of ANTM and me missing Samurai 7. ;-; I hardly ever get a decent night's rest due to all these dreams. My mind's FAR too active at night.

:( There's a Lit test on Friday and I have to do well.

The trip to the NEWater plant today was generally okay. The A-band girls behind me were EXREMELY irritating. They were laughing non-stop throughout, and it's not that kind of light, girlish giggle, BUT THE KIND WHERE THEIR MOUTH OPENS WIDE AND THEY SUCK IN A LOT OF AIR TO PREPARE FOR THE HUGE BWHAHA THEY'RE ABOUT TO MAKE. I just wanted to hit them sooooosososososo hard. e.e

Slips of paper were slipped under our door. Something about today being our principle's 80th birthday. They even had a balloon outside our door. o.o Our class wasn't the only one hit. Others were too. I don't anyhting like this has happened here for a good time now. Tomorrow's assemblyis going to be.....I don;t know. Funny? Strange? Awkward? I just know it's not somehting I've seen before...well, at least in real life.

Or maybe they won't even find out about it. Who knows?

It's a letter and it's a melody
she's a sharp point and you've got the key
Keep me bleeding and bleed me dry;
it's a solemn rhapsody and you're the one to die

These shards of splintered glass have sunk deeper in
maybe now you'll know it's not from a tin
I know my eyes are cutting,
but they still say the same things

The clock hasn't stopped
he's on full rounds today.
I see his hands moving across his face-
his bid goodbye to the end of a day

Crows break their voices
and crickets break their wings
Is this a rhapsody or just a hymn?
I hope I'll drown knowing
that I've not given in.

Croak (c) theCATLunette

the melancholy death of oyster boyKEKEKE

2006-02-28T18:18:00.000+08:00

:L I'm doing my art right now mm'kay. SO shut up and don't say NOTHING. D:<

My sister wants to go online. BUT SHE CAN'T BECAUSE I'M NOT DONE YET SUCKER HAHA.

PLEGH. My shoulders are tired.

.....

-ran out of things to say-

hurrrrrrrohno

2006-02-27T21:46:00.000+08:00

:< I don't feel like doing art. Okay I am going to diiiiiiiiie. Dx

I was drawing other stuff, though. xD I ended up with a fantasy-ish character instead of a normal looking girl with an eclectic taste in clothes. x_o

-sobs- There's a Math quiz tomorrow and I still can't quite understand Maths. HELLO MY BRAIN WAS BUILT FOR ADMIRING THINGS AND OBSERVING THINGS AND DRAWING THINGS AND WRITING THINGS NOT STUPID #%$%%$%%^%$^%$#^!!!!*&( MATH KTHNXBYE.

Oh yeah. I met Mrs O on the bus. At first she'd grabbed my arma dn the first thought that crossed my mind was:

"OMG WHO'S THIS CRAZY LADY WHO JUST GRABBED MY HAND??@!?!?!?"

Then I looked carefully and saw that it was mrs O so I was like, "OMG HI. O__O"

I showed her my t-shirt font thingey. I was kinda embarassed because I didn;t like it much. I'm supposed to be working on it now but I'm so lazy and sososososo tired of everythiiiiiiiiiiing. (Shan't elaborate)

Today was the first time I felt like sleeping. :[ Guess that shows how down I've been.

...and in the morning
the sweet, sweet shriek of crows..."

Paranoia

2006-02-27T19:13:00.000+08:00

:<

Gots lotsalotsa art todoooooooooooooo.

Boohoo

I think the english version of Death Note 4 is out. mustbuymustbuy. (NUUU ANOTHER 15 DOLLARS!!!!!!!~~~~~~2!#!#@! ;__;)

School is busy and bustly and it's making me sick.

-vomits-

bwaha

2006-02-26T13:10:00.000+08:00

'Was surfing around.

Lum En-Ci --

[noun]:

An alien

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

BWAHAHAHAHAHA. 8D
-LOVES-.

omg

2006-02-26T12:21:00.000+08:00

OMG MRS ONG WANTS ME TO ENTER SOME SYF ART OCMPETITION AND SHE WANTS SOMETHING BY WEDNESDAY AND I STILL HAVE ART TO DO AND THE SEC 3 T-SHIRT DESIGN AND OMG STUDYING FOR LIT AND MY OWN PROJECTS AND I NEED TO GET PIECES DOWN BY THE END OF THIS TERM TO SELL AT THE FLEAMARKET THINGEY OMG I'M GOING TO DIE.

LiLAC

2006-02-26T09:34:00.000+08:00

Playing: Lilac (Plastic Tree)

It's a little cross tattooed
with the strands of your requiem
It's a violent rhapsody
filled with unintangible rhyme

Blood red screams the veins of insanity,
you dance around
its black infinity
as
White feathers from outstretched wings
of
seagulls stopped in mid-flight
flit down
among us

Whisper close now
Closer,
closer

Feel the intertwining of pale hands,
the eclipse of an eyelid over an eye

Caress the cold, hardened floor and feel
the enitity of an underlying lullaby

Blegh.

poem(c)theCATLunette

I HATE LAYERS

2006-02-25T19:59:00.000+08:00

ARGHHJJJJJJJ1KK!!!!!!!
I just did a really good job on Maev's hair outline, but then I copied the image without flattening it, BUT I CLOSED THE FREAKING PHOTOSHOP 5.5 WINDOW, and then when I pasted it I realized I'd only copied ONE FUCKING LAYER, SO NOW I HAVE TO DO THE OUTINE OF HER HAIR AGAIN, WHICH I'D SPENT ABOUT AN HOUR ON.

I HATE LAYERS!!!!!!!!

Hontou no uso?

2006-02-25T09:18:00.000+08:00

Hontou no uso?

I had a strange dream last night. I dreamt that I was Cagalli from the Gundam series and I was..running away from Athrun...about something. o_o (I can't remember what) But I was running. And I kept running. And I was crying. But I can't remember what I was crying about.

Ergh. All the manga I've been reading lately musyt have gone to my head.

I'm starting to wonder what my parents are really doing, besides staying at home and taking french lessons. I'm starting to wonder a little bit more on where they get their money from, because this morning, after telling my sister that buying the fourth Death Note would mean another 15 dollars, she gave me a conspirational grin and told me not to worry at all. She knows something I don't. It's kind of part of my sister's character to be the one who knows just about everything that's going on.

I've been wondering for the longest time if my parents have some secret stash of money somewhere, or are working some kind of exclusive government job, because even with selling a house, I don't think there'll be enough money. I mean, explain the holidays. My parents might even intend to bring us all to New Zealand again, despite the fact that they're already prepared to pay for my 3000+ school trip to the UK. My dad hasn't gone to work since I was in primary 5. Now that I think about it, we've had about 4 years without any of my parents working (well, my mom works sometimes, but only to pay for her french classes).

My mom always told me that it was okay and that we were stable. They never revealed to us how much they had. But then again, they also told me once they didn't have enough money to send me overseas, and that I had to study here, something which I wasn't too happ[y about...because I hate this country.

Just musing about it is making me annoyed. Erk.
I'd better stop now...

.kimashita

2006-02-23T18:22:00.000+08:00

I'm too tired to post anything detailed. ;o;

Currently playing: Mizuiro Girlfriend (Plastic Tree)
Mood: Tired, you assholes. >o>;;

Ryuutarou's voice relaxes me. :> I'm so freaking-ass tired right nooooowwwww.
Math remedial was plain torture. I'm afraid that I'll slip back into my old, 'i-don't-care-about-math' self.

I've got a 35 for my Bio. It's good, but not good enough for me. I hope I don't do too badly for chemistry.

I'm really quite excited for art though. I was going to do it the moment I came home, but I am now so tired I just want to continue on my coloring of Maev. -big sigh-

Nevermind. I've got youtube and tonnes of Plasic Tree videos to watch...and Ryuutarou to drool at. ;D
You should listen to them, though. They're good.

Boo.

2006-02-22T16:01:00.000+08:00

:I
I. am. going. to. fail. my. maths.

;;;;;;;;;O;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Bio was a total disappointment. I think I amde so many stupid mistakes now. X__X Annabella and Vicky got the highest in class, which was a 37 (or 36?), which doesn't leave much for the rest of us. ;0;

Oh wells. English was pretty spiffy because we got to watch a movie again. :D It's a movie about Helen Keller this time. Pretty interesting.

><; I have pretty enormous responsiblities piled up on me. Besides having to pull my grade for Math and Chinese, I know have to work extra hard for my science (because it is NOT that difficult, thus doing not so well would really be disappointing), come up with a design for my school's sec 3 camp (WHYYYYYYYYYY??!???), depsite the fact that I hate camps, do really,really good on my art because all our pieces would be showcased during the pl arts festival and MIGHT BE SOLD OFF (omg)...and....AND I HAVE TO WORK VERYVERYVERY HARD ON LITERATURE. AND GET MY FRIKKIN DRAWINGS DONE FOR THE FLEAMARKET THINGEY AT THE END OF THE TERM.

-falls over-

Vulnerability

2006-02-20T17:11:00.000+08:00

And she's so pretty, and she's so sure
Maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her...

With a hand over a bleeding eye,
she choked and said
her fears
It's a mystery and
something
You'd thought you'd never hear

Red flowers stark against a naked sky
the clouds swept back by the blue
that bottle's filled with broken glass;
it's only time and time moves fast

The stars circle around Jupiter
it's a thinning obsession
Feed the boy with bowls of grain
it's the same paradox
it's all the same

They're all just purple paints
mixed with
the intoxication of memory

Bio test tomorrow. Math test on Wednesday.
I've got art transformations due tomorrow.
And I need to hand in my Literature trip form.
I so dearly want to go.
I'd better think of something good to write on my personal statement.

It never makes sense.

L dream. Nice L.

2006-02-19T10:30:00.000+08:00

I had a dream that involved L, a movie starring THAT korean girl (which somehow seems very familiar, like I've dreamt of it before), me getting trough some weird fantastical doorway, and me sitting in some theatre/council section for the elves...or something. o__o Yes. I have very weird dreams. It gets funnier when soem weirdo behind me whacks me with a pillow because he mistook me for someone else (his on, I think), and so I assualted him right back. xD And my mom, who was somehow sitting infront (I have NO idea how she got there) was mad at me. I think. It's all pretty foggy now. After that, I end up running with a couple of other people (I think it was my cousin and my sister, but I'm not sure)....and we're running in a long truck full of...hay. X__X And then I see L. I don't know what L is doing there but I see him. And he's nice to touch. :D

I meant L from Death Note, by the way. 8D S'bout time I had a dream of him.

Now to something more serious.

My heart has started to ache more frequently. I don't. I am.....quite...anxious, I guess. It's tight....and my heart feels strained. I feel even more worried when I type this out....but..anyways....

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love.
You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart.

Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!)

Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic

What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays

Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

HOORAY.

You Are 52% Abnormal

You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul.

You are at high risk for having a borderline personality. It is very likely that you are a chaotic mess.

You are at medium risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is somewhat likely that you are in love with your own reflection.

You are at high risk for having a social phobia. It is very likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement.

You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

Great.

Eyeballs =D

2006-02-17T15:56:00.000+08:00

It's raining now, and I'm happy it's raining, because it's about $%#@#@$%$% time it did.

It's strange how someone can just make your day a lot lighter.
I got into hyper-giggly mode yesterday when I met M after the Lit talk. She missed the talk, so I went with her to get the form. There were those grasscutting people about, and they kinda scare me. I commented to M that they reminded me of those sand poeple from Star Wars with the bottom half of their faces covered and their eyes shielded by dark glasses, with a hand clutching a long, cutting, er...weapon.

So...I guess I'm all right today. I'm tired and sleep-deprived, but I'm...okay.

I'm a little boppy, which is freaking me out quite a bit. x____o I don't think I've been this cheery in weeks.

I was in shock when I got back my narrative essay, y'know, the one I thought I'd flunk miserably and be cast so far and so deep into that murky chasm of doom with ABSOLUTELY NO WAY OUT??!??!??

I got a 22. Upon 30. Which, if I calculate right, should be about a 72, which is an A2. =.=;;

I'm sure you've realized by now how overly paranoid I can be. I also have the tendency to underestimate myself, don't I? I mean...I don't credit myself for anything. When I do something well, I don't feel it.

Am I so low in confidence?

Well. I know the answer to that well enough. Yeah. I am. It's shocking sometimes, how these things reveal themselves to you. When I realize it now, it's not something..really...big, but...it's significant.

ohyeahomg blegh. I saw this weird guy on 317 yesterday carrying a black suitcase (luggage bag). WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING ON 317 WITH A SUITCASE?!??! OMG MAYBE HE WUS THE GUNMAN'S ACCOMPLICE.

He was big sized and...really...sort of weary looking. o__o And wearing shades. And kinda pockmarked.

Egh. As you see, the studying has got to my brain and totally fried it.
I'll entry in again once I'm sane..er. X__X

Perpetual panic mode

2006-02-15T15:51:00.000+08:00

P e r p e t u a l
PANICMODE

I was studying so hard yesterday my brain died.
Things just weren't getting into my head, and my head felt like lead ball.

Now everytime I do a test, I am in perpetual panic mode.
And oh, yeah.
I failed my chinese test. Because of a bunch of stupid mistakes (AS USUAL!!)

PE was amusing. What happened after PE was even more amusing. Grace went over the parapet just outside our class to retrieve someone's chocolate gift. Teachers came by and we just all pretended that nothing was amiss. Yes. I have a strange class.

The scene at the bus stop was quite funny. Debbie talks too loud. I think she's too blunt soemtimes, really...

I'd love to stay and elaborate, but I'm got a literature test tomorrow, and in typical paranoid, explosive fashion, I'm getting all panicky and explosive over it, (WHICH IS A BAD THING, A VERY BAD THING.).

Plus I've got Art to do.
I do hope I don't collapse from exhaustion.

blegh

2006-02-14T19:18:00.000+08:00

I'm tired and bored, I'm sick of studying, I haven't colored my L picture for Valentine's Day yet, my mortal needs a serious explanation note sometime soon, and my brain is about to fry.

All in a day of the life of me.

[EDIT] It's really weird, because now that sentence I just typed above is going all wonky and floating about on their own. o_o -blinks majorly hard- OMG THEY'RE STILL MOVING.//////

TSUMETAI Hikari

2006-02-14T09:25:00.000+08:00

Tsumetai Hikari
C o l d L i g h t

Geraldine called me this morning.
I didn't know Guzheng had politics.
But why should I be surprised.
Not when there are asstards like Natalie Toh and Gwynna around.
Among others.
I'm not one to preach,
demo
It's slimey. It's underhand.

Quit it you assholes.
We all know karma's a bitch.

Disorderly--PIECES OF PARANOIA

2006-02-13T19:00:00.000+08:00

I'm just REALLY, really tired right now.

I could barely keep my eyes open in school. I got really nixed and annoyed today...wtih basically just...everything. So I employed my usual I'm-really-not-okay-right-now-but-I'm-appearing-so-happy-but-I'm-sure-you-can-tell-I'm-just-losing-it thing. Grace and Renu really pissed me off back then. They relaly crossed me at a bad time, so I got atomic on them.

I can't control my actions at all. It's like I'm sitting there watching while some mysterious force takes over and manouvers my hands and brain to do the strangest and soemtimes the most violent things.

I just can't stand how I have such high expectations for myself. But I probably have the lowest confidence of anyone you could meet. My uneasiniess and insecurity of things, being it just getting my assignments right, to what the teacher thinks of me, just drags me down. I get disrupted. I can't progress. These feelings are unreasonable, anixious pieces of paranoia.

She was too fragile...

Not okay

2006-02-12T14:43:00.000+08:00

I am really not okay right now. I realize I have no control over myself anymore. I can't control my actions. I can't make out why I do things. Everything has no reason. I can't cope with anything. Everyone doesn't seem to notice. I have no friends. I can't get my math homeowrk ruiight. I hate it when I can't get it right.

I'm falling apart and no one sees it.

zest unzested

2006-02-11T10:38:00.000+08:00

I re-did this. Just to see how I was getting along. -shrugs-

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Very High
Schizoid Disorder:	Moderate
Schizotypal Disorder:	Very High
Antisocial Disorder:	Moderate
Borderline Disorder:	Very High
Histrionic Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Disorder:	Very High
Avoidant Disorder:	Very High
Dependent Disorder:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

Where are the lemon peels

the little sours of zest?

Escaped to another dimension

out of this world's funereal ends

My little finger is pricked with

beads of emotion

My eyes pull together in a wince

as I imagine

perfect skin

edged with blood

scratched

I'm trying to shake away the thoughts

but the leaving is slow.

It's torment in the mind

It's torment in the brain

It's enough to drive you insane.

extremely sleep deprived

2006-02-11T09:53:00.000+08:00

I am extremely sleep deprived. I woke up this morning at about 7:05 because I had to change my pad. >_>;;; Yeha, my period came in the end. It was a little late, and I supposed it must have been from the whole craziness of...well...everything.

I was trying to cheer myself up by listening to Under the Sun, but I still feel crappy, because now I am bugged my horrible cramps, and I also because after a long week of forcing and making myself to study, I am insanely tired of it. Not to mention that when I bent down to get my pad from the cupboard, I hit my nose on the shelf, which REALLY hurt because I just HAD to hit the part where the bone sticks out. X___X

I ended up doodling yesterday, instead of doing my chemistry and english homeowrk as I'd promised myself earlier in school that day. Most of my drawings suuuuucked. I ended up doing a guy in an almost Obata Takeshi style, and I loved it, only when I finished his face he looked NOTHING like the character I had in mind. I almost him to Tao Ren, then decided against it, because I really should STOP changing my drawings even if the drawing would look more suitable on a different character. My story-line is in pieces, thanks to the drawing I'd done of Charlotte. I'd wanted her to have this snobbish, stiff look, but when I started that picture I messed up the whole pose and had to settle for a simple sitting-on-a-chair one. And then I messed up her hawk, SO JUST GREAT. I'm having trouble with her brother, (the one that I nearly wanted to change into Tao Ren) Quell. Actually, I'm not sure if I want to give him the name Quell. But it does suit him. It gives him this murderous edge though (afterall, 'quell' means 'to kill or murder'), which is making it tough to develop his character. PLUS, because I am bogged down by homework and tests, I feel that I cannot allow myself to just daydream and THINK, which really pisses me off. I don't want to do a shitty rushed job on my own personal projects in exchange for some nice grades at school.

AND I'm having trouble with his features.
Thq name Quell and his character really does not suit the original pale hair and green-eyed mold I had intended for him. It's either jet-colored hair with greens eyes, grey eyes, or deep-red eyes. The last option is a little too stereotypy for me, but it's the one that suits best.

I tried my Painter Classic today. It draws better lines than photoshop (version 2.0 LIKE WTF), but I really can't find a proper way to colour-in the drawings. -____-;;; I'm not good at this whole figuring it out stuff. I'm just really impatient.

Corel Painter 9 cost 329.00 US DOLLARS
OKAY HOW THE CRAP AM I SUPPOSED TO GET THAT KIND OF MONEY??????

[EDIT]

Just about everyone's gotten their compre test back. I can't believe Germaine managed a 30-something. Note that this is not an offence. I just don't have a really good feeling about it, okay? Imagine if I get a realy low mark on it, and people like...like I don't know, manages a 35. I don't know...things just seem so out of reach lately. It's like just when I think I've gotten the grip of things, they just seem to float out of my hands. It's like everything is spinning out of control. I can't even THINK STRIAGHT anymore. Everytime I panic, there are a thousand voices screaming inside me at once, and I just freeze. I just want to give up, just let go, stop trying....and just, maybe....just sit there and die.

The little critters flee,
as the world escalades into a panic

All Hail Queen Lucine, the undisputed ruler of Chaos, Confusion, and the Unfortunate Insecurity.

Tsumetai

2006-02-10T16:56:00.000+08:00

ITZFRIDAYOMGYAY.

Yesterday, I got home at about 7, thanks to the stupid house meeting.
I was far too tired to be pissed when I got home.
I don't think it's right for seniors to opke you out for not cheerfing, for covering your ears, and to deride all of the above to everyone in the AVA theaterette.

"Are you okay?"

"No. I have a headache."

"Oh, so everybody else in this row has a headache also lar?"
-INSERT BIG MOCKING LAUGH HERE-

I think they're a bunch of fucktards. Okay, I was really uncomfortable in there. Grace was asleep. I think it's absolute shit to MAKE FUN of people who really are not into the whole enthusiasm thing. I don't like noise. Is it wrong to cover my ears? It's not like I announced loudly that I hated the cheer. I just hate the whole thing. I'm never one for large gatherings. I found the Sec 4's sitting behind me extremely annoying. I don't like being in noisy places because I don't want to spoil my ears. I am very concerned about keeping my senses, especially my hearing. The Sec 4's behind me were LIKE KIDS. I can't describe them really. I found them to be mostly very retarded. -snorts-

"WAH LAO! GET OUT OF CHEW HOUSE LAR!"

Okay wtf? X__O
They're just so.....pathetic. I don't know why they would get so riled up and passionate about our....house. .__. UM, if we were in HP's Hogwarts, then fine. But here....? I don't understand why they would take it so seriously. It's not as if all us chew house members all band together or anything.

Today's chinese test was a riot. Just when I was starting on my second question for the comprehension section, there is an announcement.

It was our principal. She started yabbering about the 'O' level results.
NOT A GOOD TIME MISSY.

I wasn't sure whether I wanted to laugh, scream, cry, or all of the above, when she asked the whole school to sing the school theme song with her. I ended up laughing, because it just felt so ridiculous. I actually imagined both the vice principal and the principal together in the general office, holding microphones and moving side to side, singing to the whole school while everyone was silent.

Really, my school is ridiculous.

The sky this morning, however, was beautiful. It was a lovely, warm, comforting sort of blue, edged with golden sunlight and speckled with dabbles of white clouds. There were the lower, heavy, purple-grey rain clouds hanging low below, and they were moving extremely fast. I liked staring at it. I would have leaned back on my hands and stared at that blue expanse for hours if where I was at that moment WAS NOT the school's basketball court for assembly. I was afraid a teacher might come over and tell me to pay attention to the front, and then see my hair and go, "Girl, your hair is very long already....need to cut okay?"

o_o So.

That was my day.

demo...?

2006-02-08T21:47:00.000+08:00

Ooooookay.

It's been crazy all week. So I I decided to take some time off to do a real PROPER entry, even if it takes up a large amount of my time. I need my entries to get more thoughtful again. They just seem so....so event calender lately. o_o Um. I know that wasn't the best comparision but, er, I'm sure you get what I mean.

I don't have homework/assignments piling up, but things just keep coming, and I keep committing. I'm working hard, and I'm gald I am. :] It actually feels qute good to be pushing myself.

I am troubled by something again, though. I still don't know why everytime I see her, that twisting, stomach-knotting, vengeful feeling of hate comes back. I saw her the other day, and she had those big buttony earrings on in school. I never really found her to be the kind that would...I don't know...defy. I mean, (curse the human brain on this, but) we can't help but associate certain things with other things AND somehow when I saw her wearing those, the first thought that came to my mind was Oh crap. Trying to play bad, ne?. I cannot help but detest every thing about her. I hate her mannerism, the way she smiles, how she talks....

Yeah, I hate her. I hate her with so much anger and bitterness that I could injure her severly enough to land her in hospital, but minorly enough just for her to not bleed to death and die. :)

I don't think she can even GUESS why I detest her so much. Maybe it's because everyone seems to think that she's just so....perfect. Eveyrone thinks she's pretty, everyone thinks she's hot. She plays the piano, dances, sings, and in some ridiculous opinion, speaks and acts well (do class presentations with her for a year and let's see what you make of it. And NO SHE CAN'T ACT. Some fucking geniuses said she could. BUT SHE CAN'T. And one of those fucktards was a TEACHER. An ex-drama teacher. I think drama teachers very often mistake pride and over-enthusiatium coupled with the most disgusting wide-eyed, sprightly tone as acting. And to THINK she had drama classes.), and she's smart. I think she's quite dilligent, but she doesn't come across as 'genius'. Yes, she is clever, but she's not brilliant like other people I know. Eveyrtime I see or hear someone praising her, I am almost bursting to just scream how dramatically overrated she is.

WHY. AM. I. EVEN. WASTING. TIME. ON. HER.

The only thing that is holding myself back from writting a thousand word essay on how overrated she is, is the fear that people would come across this and start flaming me. =__=;; OH WAIT THAT HAPPENED ALREADY.

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD THAT LITTLE POSER IS OVERRATED. WHEN WILL PEOPLE GET THIS?!?!??

Shiteru?

2006-02-07T19:27:00.000+08:00

OMG I just had a really weird deja vu of my sister complainging of being woken up on time, her whining that since I just got on the computer she'd have to wait even longer for me to finish, and my mom coming in, and Plastic Tree.

OMG YES PLASTIC TREE.

And somehow through that I remember ANOTHER deja vu. The first thing that comes to my mind is Ms S. Ang and a purple dress....and some irises/orchids. O__O Yes, I know. I'm very strange.

Ryuutarou Arimura is hot. o_o -stares-

UHHHHH. Gotta do art. I can fix in some wicked, potentially homicidal stuff like stitches and bandages and zips and stuff because Mrs Ong thinks is a good idea. >:]

I got angry and frustrated again today. (couldn't do my Math) I don't thik there's a day I haven't gotten angry and frutrated. I really should find a way out of this.

The uneasiness nibbles away at me
as the night creeps on
It's barely a quarter to nine
but the Moon has resceded to her bed
The stars are only pricks of light
up there in ashen colored heavens
Leering down at our groggy mortal realm
doused in the cover of sleep and darkness,
asleep and dreaming

Pity sweeps itself up
like dust from my finger
and circles around in ebony twilight
with the malevolent shadows of crows.

The trees don't say much as I approach them,
but I lift a finger
and tell them
softly
to go back to sleep anyway
I hear the black birds scatter overhead
playing their ugly song in their throats.

My feet on tiptoes
I try and reach,
My fingers splayed and outstretched
for that elusive Moon.
The stars blink shrewdly back at me
as I give up and slip my hands into my pockets.
The bloody notion is thrice removed
but the crows bring back the mood

Usotsuki

2006-02-06T15:38:00.000+08:00

- U S O T S U K I -

I had a dream last night, and it was a strange dream. I remembered being in a bus. I think I was talking to Debbie. ANyway, I am pretty sure Germaine, Grace, and Renu were on board that bus also. It was an old-fashioned sort of bus, and the color in it which I remember the most is a dark, uniform kind of steel-blue. We had stopped at this random place along a road side, which I think was on a hill, and then I remember my reaction was like, "Eh....? We've stopped." We were about, Germaine first, but because we were on a lisghtly sloped road, the bus started rolling backwards, and the door started swining open and shut. I had Mooneye in my hand, if I was not wrong. And then someone tried to take hold of the wheel, but that only made things worse, and we started swerving al over the place, and thenfinally the bus tumbled off the road, and the sensation of falling inside the vehicle was not an unpleasant, but more like floating while the bus turned about around you. I remmber landing with a light ,"OOF!" on my stomach, my arms bracing myself, one hand clutching Mooneye. It was weird, because I somehow remember the floor that I fell on was a bed of very small maple leaves. In fact, it was more like we fall onto the forest floor, and for some strange reason or another, the bus hung like a shelter above us, and only squared us on three sides. The last thing I remember about it was being in a very clinical, white hospital, and clutching Mooneye. Her collar had thinned and broke. I think my parents were there,a sking if I was okay, and that's all I remember.

I just recalled an incident which happened on Friday. I was on board 317, on my usual route home, and I was listening in onto the conversation made behind me by two middle-aged woman, one indian and the other chinese. The chinese one was yapping so loudly about her onyx jewelry, I was very much tempted to laugh at her, or slapping her for annoucing to the whole world about her jewelry. She began to talk about the jewelry of the other woman too, and she proclaimed to her very loudly that it was, "definitely real". I wondered if she realized that she was doing an extremely stupid thing. Somebody could rob them, you know.

Dx Art is a toughie. I DO NOT know how to manouvre myself around drawn.ca AT ALL. And...er. I'm not quite sure what I want with contemporary artists.

I don't feel like going on the emotional and introspective gurgle today. Perhaps I might do so once I am done with my art.

Hurt and broken

2006-02-05T13:27:00.000+08:00

Dear are you fine?
I've gone a-riding on the carnivals of misery
Forive me dear sister,
it's the side effects of the crow's lullaby...

Ignorance--

The bane of Humanity.

I'm hanging by a thin thread every day
And I'm always wondering when it'll break...

bpd

2006-02-04T09:40:00.001+08:00

In my period of anxiety yesterday, I almost thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I was so paranoid and so afriad of not finishing my homework. I don't really know why I was afraid, but I was. And then, at the same time, Grace, Renu and Germaine had agitated me so much, even though it was not a really big matter. Both happened at the same time, so I was both in a state of paranoia and anxiety and anger. I couldn't control myself. I felt like I was floating. I was light headed. All I could do to keep me from falling apart was to take big steady breaths.

And no-one noticed.

I've dug up the article about BPD (Boderline Personality Disorder) from the pile of old newspapers this morning to read. Before I state the symptoms of BPD, I would like to state my problems.

I hate being seen alone in the canteen eating my food. Come to think of it, it is a really big thing for me. I would avoid being seen by myself even if I like being alone. The thought that comes to my mind is that poeple who see me as having no friends, and would just stare and stare at me.

I felt terribly scatterd yesterday because when Genesis and Victoria threw me off track, I asked my english teacher the exact meaning of a narrative essay and she got this irritated look on her face and said we've run thorugh that already. I was in a state of panic. I had been like that the whole day. And now here was another thing to throw me off. I wrote the worst, most out of point essay ever, and funnily enough, what scares me more than getting a bad grade is her thinking that I might not have written that commonwealth essay. I got a 23 on that, and it was a narrative essay. What if she thinks that my parents did it for me or something, huh? I don't write essays or stories with a form in mind. I just...do it. And I can't think on the spot. My mind is thrown into a whirl of confusion and focusing is extra hard because there are so many voices screaming inside me at once.

In fact, I am still brooding over the essay matter. I've never taken so long to get over things like these.

I find it hard to face my friends. I run away. I avoid them. I realize in my friendship with Michelle, I was idealising a lot. I had specific ideals. And when things weren't going perfect, they just crumbled apart. And I blew up on her once over a seriously small matter. And I think it hurt her a lot because I said that she didn't know anyhting about some website thing, and it was her dream to be a games programmer, and she relaly is very good at making codes for websites and everything.

I cannot control my temper. I don't know why I explode on the tiniest things. I just cannot take it. I realize that my days are marked with more anger and sadness than anyone else.

And I have this problem I've had ever since I was young. When I was watching a documentray on a subject like egyptian mummies or a horror show about the undead, I would always turn around and see if anyhting was behind me. I was afraid of skeletons. I still am. Especially the skull. Skulls in drawings dont scare me. But a real one does. And when I go out into darkness, even if the darkness is just my living room, my hart races and I get into a state of panic, and I wouldrun into another room as fast as possible. I would imagine things. Ghosts. And I've never really liked being alone in a room for too long. My thoughts are thrown into a paranoia overdrive.

The worst feelings I get are those of complete confusion, where I am not sure what I am, not sure what to do, not sure what to think. Everything is just in conflict. And then sometimes I feeelt empty. Like nothing matters. Nohting exists. I wouldn't matter if I just died. I wouldn't matter if I didn't fulfill my most desired dream. I wuld just drift from place to place, not caring where I would end up. It usually comes when I feel deserted and abandoned by everyone else, and that no one seemed to notice or bother.

It just so happens that those are a couple of the symptoms of BPD. One thing I don't have is hurting myself. I would never do that. My imagination has already taken care of that part. I have this thing about huritng myself, and that I might see my veins sticking out...long blue and red tubes. I would squirm, scream, crouch into a ball and be in a state of anxiety that might last days.

So I could never hurt myself.

But I might have a problem now. I don't think anyone would understand. I just want to push everyone away. I don't want to see my old friends. Just seeing them together and being so happy pulls me down. When they say hi, I just want to galre at them, andhate them for being together, hate them for being so close. While I have no-one.

Morning's Hellsong

2006-02-03T15:51:00.000+08:00

Morning's Hellsong

Hullo and welcome to the world of the super depressed.

I am not ranting this time. (Yes, thank goodness) But really. Today was hell for me.

I went to school, and tried to complete my Lit homework. I have nothing against C classes or anything, but somehow, the mentality here is different. Nobody is enthusiastic about pretty much anything. Well. Unless you count Candice, that is. No one really did anything. I was having trouble on my own.

I am in confusion. I have been for a pretty long time already.
When I tried to do my homeowrk last night, I just had all these conflicting thoughts. Nothing clear came through. It didn't help this morning when I got pissy and frustrated, and then 1) the nice girl beside me was making sarcastic comments through it all and telling me to shut up 2) the other girl in front of me kept saying really unecessary things 3) the girl who sits next to the other girl in front of me had a very calm fascade while I was flipping out. I got so pissed at all three of them--Grace, Germaine and Renu. OKAY, I was frustrated and overwhelmed enough. I was freaking out because I was supposed (or rather supposedly supposed) to hand up my Math quiz (which I did not bring), and I had only brought my math test paper, AND ALSO because I had my lit undone and no one seemed to care much about their own homework. Renu made me so extremely irritated when so noted chirpily that I was like bright colors while Grace was more like the dark colours because I was so explosive and expressive while Grace just sits there going, "Shu up," at every opportune moment. That gopt me mad. I don't know why, but that got me mad.

Everything basically collapsed right then. Everything was just going against me. I just wanted to hit something. But I controlled myself. I tried. I was afraid I might cry because I felt so ovewhelmed. Everything was just...a blur. I didn't know if I was going to pass out, or break down. I kept taking in big breaths and that was all I could do. And nobody seemed to care.

Assembly was hell. I had to sit there, and each moment, horrible new thoughts would come into my mind, and I could only sit and wait, and huddle up, and rock myself gently. I cried. I know I did. But no one noticed.

I got better later, but that does not mean my heart is any lighter. Things are more serious this time.

I found it hard to smile and wave when they waved and said hi. I found it hard to smile back at her when she smiled. I just wanted to block everyone else out.

I was so scattered. I was so broken. I was conflicting inside. Things didn't make sense. The rest of the day went dead by me. I didn't want to care. I didn't want to bother.

So during my english compo test I was freaking out. I couldn't thing. My mind was so clouded. Then I decided to write about a girl who wanted to isolate herself and shut everyone else out, but a comment from Genesis and Victoria threw me off totally and got me confused. I hate them now. I really hate them for doing that to me. I asked my teacher and so got kind of annoyed because she'd run through that with us. So I changed my essay. I shouldn't have, because now I think I did it wrongly. I've never written so many words without much in mind. I couldn't focus. Even when I was doing my original idea, the words didn't seem to make sense. I had trouble making sentences.

I don't want...to fail.

Yesterday was bad enough. I failed both my Math test and Quiz, thanks to the stupidest careless mistakes. I can't think when I panic, and I panic so very often during tests, even it I had studied good and well. I'm just so damn fucking insecure and unsire with myself. I lack confidence. I have never really been confident with myself or my abilities in my entire life. Never.

I don't know if I might slip back into a state of depression again.

Yo, PL. Are you trying to kill us?

AI

2006-02-01T17:56:00.000+08:00

>_>;;

I was so terribly irritated with my sister this morning for taking so long to get ready. I hate waiting for people. I am an incredibly impatient person. I wonder if it really was my bad temper, or just my PMS acting up again. =__=;;

I really am quite a bad-tempered person. I can be so incredibly bitter and sniping that people around me get hurt. I've hurt my parents one many a time with my sharp comments.

You can slap me if you like, but truthfully--I like the whole idea of being one mean, cynical, impulsive little ball of bitter fury.

Yeah, I'm a jerk. Jerkjerkjerkjerkjerk. I don't know. I don't know why I like the idea of being bad-tempered, easily-provoked and so very, very moody. I almost wrote, "Stupid right?" to sort of seem less...well less twisted and more just weird, maybe? But I know I like the stuff that comes packaged with 'BAD' stamped on the top and I can't deny it.

I just tried getting some Plastic Tree songs earlier on...don't know if they came through. :( Quintessential is SO NOT WORKING. -hits computer- I REALLY WANT THOSE SONGS!!!

It's amazing, though...how much Ryuutarou reminds me of L. xD

Art is one big pile of S-H-I-T. We have to do huge projects of things I really don't care about, plus we have to do craploads of resaerch, some of which I find quite unneccesary(sp). ERGHHHHHHHHH. I hate doing art this way. But if this is what it takes to put me on the path towards a perfect future job, then whatever.

adventisfssssgre??

2006-01-31T09:09:00.000+08:00

The. Wholesome. Tragedy.

^_________^ WAI~~!!!

>w> ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRKKK. It's nine in the morning and I'm stuck infront of the com again. -shakes head- Yare-yare...

o.o The piccu above is of Malice Mizer when Gackt-san was in the band. ^-^ (I'm abnormally cheery today, aren't I? x.o) They're a SUPERSUPER awesome band. Um...they're pretty much defunct right now. Dx Sad, ne? And I muchly preferred Gackt during his Malice Mizer period. He cleans up REAL nice, but honestly, I think his image and music was more appealing to me back in the good-old MM or Mizerable, or Vanilla days. :[ Go search him on the net and see the HUGE difference.

Not saying I don't like him anymore though. He's still a very talented musician and song writer.

UHHHHH. Okay. Mental block. Lit homework.
"What is your impression of King Duncan? How effective is he in fulfilling his role as king in this passage?"

LIKEOMG WHAT?!?!?!?! X-X

I just want to draw and draw and draw. Not do ~~stupid~~ school art homework or lit assignments. I want to draw...my own stuff...like a vampiric artistocrat or something.

Meh. What's the use? It's just me and the desk and the computer, and it still seems to me like I'm living in my own little world, with no one to.....
I just do things not because I want to succeed or anything like that. Mostly, I'm ruled by fear. So I just do things for the sake of it, and do a damn shitty job at it...because I'm doing just the bare minimum for a pass.

bbqtonite

2006-01-30T21:49:00.000+08:00

As usual, I'm not doing my homework. NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY LUCINE.

I should, but I'm not. GAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
My scanner just ate my latest painting, 'Sanity'. I'm so mad at it. I'll have to touch it up with photoshop.

Another day of visitation. Pretty pointless, really.
We were all pretty silent, save for our parents. Us cousins didn't really talk. Just sort of shot glances at each other now and then, and then the boys would go back to their gameboys. x__o;; There was a dog there. He licked my foot. I'll have to admit he's sorta cute, but really not my type. And I saw two iguanas, I think, slide down into the river just downstairs the house. They live in a HDB flat that's right next to a river, so there are lizards and iguanas and stuff like that.

I'm in a pretty sour mood today. Sour and bitter. Couldn't help but feel the need to snap back at every single thing with some cynicism. That's one of my worst moods really. I'll basically pounce on anything, even the mildest, most unoffensive statement.

I can't stop Mana-dancing. o.o
He's really adorable in those videos. Seriously.

I'm starting to really despise school now. School and everything else. Friends do have their own personal secrets. But why so many? Why did I, (and still do) feel like there were too many things unshared, unsaid? I felt it awkward when I met Jean at the busstop the other day. I really didn't have anything to say to her. I almost wanted to ask, "So how's it with the boys...?" and give her that smirky look, but decided against it. See how the years change us?

Maybe I'm just too...paranoid. Too idealistic. Idealistic, yes. Paranoid, don't think so.

I've started thinking about it again. I realize I'm still not quite over it all. When I remember it, it comes back in a gigantic whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. Mostly resentful ones.
Maybe she didn't feel like sharing.
Maybe she just didn't want to share it with me. I won't ever know, will I? I'm still quite mad about it. And I find it getting to my nerves sometimes, when she goes around, and I've found the most common phrase on her blog is, "haha", even when the situation really doesn't call for a "haha", but are used simply to make the situation seem like not such a big deal. It anoys me because it seems to me like she's hiding so much. Just too much.

This CNY blows.

OMOPGFGG

2006-01-29T21:04:00.000+08:00

I don't know what's wrong with me right now...because I'm so hyper and I'm dorky dancing about like Mana-sama. xD

omg go find him on youtube. He's sooooooo cute.

CNY

2006-01-29T18:52:00.000+08:00

As far as I'm concerned, today sucked like hell.

Due to the fact that I have been in all-girls schools since primary 1, I am (admittedly), VERY VERY awkward around boys, nevermind that they are my cousins.

And I think I have a fear of crowds. Seriously. That or enclosed spaces, because just being in a crowded lift with four other people made me very uncomfortable and antsy. And three of those four poeple were my parents and sister. SO. I think 'm dealing with a problem here.

Pretty dull day. I sdidn't have much to say about anything to anyone. All my cousins were all quiet and awkward around each other. And my cousin (who's younger than me), is like REALLY tall now, which made me even more awkward and annoyed because I am about 6 inches (or more) shorter than him!!!!

Yeeeeeeeeep. Um, I got very irritated at my grand-aunts house. Because my sister's shoe dropped on my bare foot and I have this issue with getting dirty. o__o And then I got all twitchy in the house beacuse it's kinda...old and dusty looking. So I began to itch. I'd seen a cat just outside their flat. It was very fat, and very big. But it was lazy. I wandered away just in case it might spin around and scratch me, because I somehow felt that it would. When we left my grand aunt's house, I saw it again. It has the prettiest set of pale green eyes, rimmed with chocolate brown.

My house is currently filled with people who I really HAVE NO IDEA HOW I AM RELATED TO. Erk. x__o I hate going about and talking to them. They're your usual bunch of noisy, irritating hokkiens. Too curious and too flattering. They kinda make me sick. And one family brought two dogs along. NOW WHAT HAPPENS IF THEY POOP ON THE FLOOR. They better clean it up. And I swear one of the dog sneezed two times. I'll admit that it is pretty adorable, but I really prefer big, slim-jawed kinds like the siberian husky. I don't like toy-dogs. They look so stupid and helpless. Especially chihuahuas. They look whiny. o__o And to top it off, the'r huge, buggy eyes remind me of some whiny, weepy other that I know of.

buurp

2006-01-28T21:34:00.000+08:00

Currently playing: Le Ciel (Malice Mizer)
Mood: Questionable.

I've just finished eating my reuniion dinner...and I'm really full now. Er, I didn't eat a lot, but it was quite an amount for someone with a small stomach LIKE ME.

And I finished the psycho boy picture.

My mom was upset with grandma for eating ahead of everyone else. And she said stuff like you'd never do that if it was her sister who was hosting it. I just sat at the table and hummed loudly and smiled as I painted. It's okay. I make myself believe it is. Things turned out fine...I guess. I got really pissy because I was hungry, aand the food was turning cold.

Oh yes, Miz. Here are the two songs. I have a couple others I highly reccomend you to listen to.

Anyway:

Under the Moon

Under the Sun

Under the Moon is a very dark, extremely depressing song. It's possibly the darkest of all DAI songs. Under the sun is much more upbeat, but (thankfully) not in a sickeningly upbeat sort of way. It's very good. I recommend you to listen to Under the Sun firt, and then under the moon.

Anyone else who might want to download these are welcome.

Au revoir

2006-01-28T18:13:00.000+08:00

Current music: Au revoir (Malice Mizer)
Mood: Annoyed

It was embarassing yesterday, when i turned up at the JAS in my school uniform. Germaine wasn't there yet, so everyone was staring at me, and I was saying, "This is highly embarassing" to myself over and over again, though I didn't realize it until I reached the end of the hall. The ceremony was okay....only we had to go up to stage which made it PRETTY unnerving for me.

So at the buffet I didn't eat much. I tried some sashimi, and found out that tuna tastes like tomato when eaten raw. (both in texture and flavour) The vie-chairman came up to me and started talking because I was in a school uniform and THERE WAS ALMOST NO ONE ELSE THERE ME AND GERMAINE'S AGE (which is another reason why it was highly embarassing), but I didn't really know what to say, because I thought I might sound ignorant if I'd given my views on certain things, so I was standing there all awkwardly picking at my fruit and going, "Yeah," a couple of times, and I think he misunderstood me at certain parts, BUT NEVERMIND.

On to the next thing:

I HATE HATE HATE Chinese New Year. =____=

I've got a pretty good load of homework to do, but somehow, whenever a holiday comes around, I tend to slack off. Well, I'm not going to leave it all to the last minute. I hope.

I've been painting. I'm halfway through my insane looking boy. I'll put up some of the photos of it. My drawings are too big for the scanner. X_X Oohooh...and I also did a picture of L from Death Nooooote. 8D Only he doesn't really look like L. -frowns- But anyway. I CAN DRAW GUYS NOW!! HOT SEXY BISHIE FREAKING HOMICIDAL LOOKING GUYS. 8D

Er...my mother's side is coming over for CNY tomorrow becase my grandma stays with us. It'll be a house full of loud-mouth hokkiens, so I'll be holed up in my room, with 6 ear pugs in each ear. If you try to call, it'll probably be far too noisy for me to hear you.

omg

2006-01-27T17:17:00.000+08:00

I have my japanese class graduation ceremony at 7, and after that we get to have a japanese buffet!! WOO-HOO!! :D

MY MP3 PLAYER HAS NO BATTERY.

Anyway.

Whyyyyyy does Jayla have to be such a bitch on ANTM?? :[ I liked her right from the beginning, until now ehn she got so MEAN to Nik. Dx BAD JAYLA. BAD. She looked almost psychotic when she went all, " Whatt I really hope is that she keeps the same dumb expression in every shoot..." WHYYYYY DID SHE HAVE TO DO THAT EVEN THOUGH NIK TECHNICALLY DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG WHILE SHE DID?!??

Blegh.

Weellll....I've finished the drawing of a psycho-looking boy, but it's too big to fit into my scanner. :( BITCH.

I bumped into Shi Mun at the bus stop. On the bus, we saw Michele and she asked me if I wanted to join this peer lite fleamarket thing they were holding in school, and they needed artists to draw stuff FOR SELLING. And we get 30% of a piece/whatever we sell (I'm not sure). YAY. 8D

Today was pretty much a waste of time. We played a craptastic game of floorball (I call it craptastic because we were made to run back and forth and if we were too slow had to do 5 squat-stands at the side =_=) which didn't bug me in a weird way...because Ive never really had this feeling of doing things that I minded even just the littlelest bit (I mind the tiniest of things. Really.)

ACK. I just got reminded of the day when I did the hurdles, lost my momentum and fell ON MY BUTT. Owie.

Um. I have reptty bad blogging skills these days. I have points all over the place. So. You'd most likely end up confused. xO

Grace asked me to join Maplestory. I didn't want too. I'd rather play Gaia online or RO, because everything's much spiffier there, in my opinion that is. >___<

BLABLAHBLAHBLAHBLEHHHHGH.REW.,REW3.UEYRUIWYRUIR.

Seven things that scare me:
1. Being underwater
2. Heights
3. Falling
4. Death
5. My own mind.
6. Flying insects
7. Hilary Duff. Seriously.

Seven things I like the most about me:
1. My abilities.
2. My hands
3. My mannequin hair (AND IT'S NOT REBONDED YOU TWITS!!)
4. My fingers
5. My skin
6. My super long snake-tongue >:}
7. My eyes

Seven most important things in my room:
1. My posters
2. Mangas and anime vcds
3. My drawings
4. Computer
5. Mp3 player
6. Tablet
7. Mooneye, SNowfur, Dog, Bear 1 and Bear 2

Seven random facts about me:
1. I hate not getting things down exactly the way I want them to.
2. I can hold extreme grudges for years.
3. I like classical music
4. I've hallucinated before.
5. I am extremely vindictive
6. I find it fun to hate people
7. I like drawing vulnerable looking boys. xD !

Seven things I plan to do before I die:
1. Get married and have kids and name them either Lucine, or Adria, or Jet, or Johnny, or Tuesday, or---
2. Get the spiffiest job.

Seven things I can do:
1. Draw
2. Freak people out.

Seven things I can't do:
1. Hurt myself. Physically.
2. Swim
3. Do anything to do with heights
4. Move things with my mind. Though I'd love to.
5. Stop time.
6. DO LATER
7. DO LATER

Seven things I say the most:
DO LATER

Seven celeb crushes:
DO LATER

s-a-k-u-r-a?

2006-01-26T19:50:00.000+08:00

I've just watched Gackt's PV of Mizerable. This is about the third time since watching it in school. That's one of my favourite songs. And Gackt looks so droolicious in that vid. >:} He's not very good at dancing though. He looks lie he's spasming. o.o

http://youtube.com/w/GACKT-MIZERABLE?v=Bwvn45OtZTo&search=Gackt

Insanely desirable, isn't he? :P

I was in quite tense mood yesterday because I read the article about Boderline mental disorder. I don't know if I'm worried or interested, or faking worry because somehow, deluded and as so pathetically stupid as it sounds, I would like to have a mental disorder. I read through the list of signs to look out for and starting wondering if maybe I could be suffering from them. The times when I got so angry or depressed felt self-deluded and self-induced. But then I thought if any normal person would put themselves, intentionally or unintentionally, in a self-induced deluded, miserable state of mind.

Craaaap, y'know? I really don't know anything anymore.

I slaved the whlole of yesterday and my art and on Math. My right wrist was limp and numb and sore by the time I was done. It didn't help that before that, in school, I'd done an english test AND summary, and then rushed through a 3 and one line chinese compo.

I got to talk to some people who I really wanted to talk to. It felt kinda nice. School's still a whirlwind though. I just saw D with ____ ____ today and went all dagger-eyed like, "What the FUCK are you doing with her?", so as you can see, I haven't really gotten over my grudge yet.

Computer Club was a waste of time because we didn't do anything. Mr Quek was there, rattling off in his usual un-teacherish manner. He totally reminds me of JTHM. I think it's because of his haircut and face shape.

....

But now I feel really uncomfortable. I don't know why. My thoughts are very messed up at the moment.

Oopsie daisyyyyyyyy

2006-01-24T20:06:00.000+08:00

I can't really remember wha I wanted to tpe in this entry. I was thinking about it in school but I forgot everything once i got home. 0o;; Oh well.

Um...to point something out that was said on girlissues, YES, there are girls who like boyonboy. It's slightly embarassing for me to type this even, but I can't help it. HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OF SHOUNEN-AI??? OR YAOI AT LEAST? And you should see the number of fans... e__e;; -shifty eyes- I downloaded a doujin once, but I found it to be WAAAAAAYYY too smutty for my liking and threw it away. x__o

-COUGH-
Anyway.

Our classroom is undecorated. Nobody bothers about putting up decorations, seriously. xD Ms Kok didn't come today, but we had homework, and I was totally losing my nerve because my brain wanted to shut down, and I was struggling to do my work. (the work wasn't hard, but I have a VERY drifty brain o__o;;) THIS IS BORING YOU HNNNNNNN???

Something interesting that I'd like to note in here. I think Renu is by far one of the most delusional people I have met, besides maybe myself. After declaring me as Dracula's wife, she noted yesterday that the top half of my face was like that of Lord Voldermort's, my nose like a bird's, and that I HAVE AN EVIL SMILE PLASTERED ON MY FACE. OH RIGHT. Actually, not that I mind much. She really should stop doing this to me. My ego might overflow on the ego meter should she carry on somemore. Ox Now, we don't want that to happen, do we?

Uhm....Art was okay today. At least I didn't have to paint (and make a fool out of myself). Soooooo now I'm trying to switch my style back to the more realistic type of drawing...which is very difficult, because I'm very used to my manga/anime art style....and I've never really managed to get a realistic face looking right in all my years drawing.

I'm getting quite worried now. I don't intend on staying in Singpaore too long. My parents, however, don't have much money, and seriously, I don't like the thought of draining them even if it is for the sake of education. The only way for me to get an overseas education is THROUGH A SCHOLARSHIP. What must I do to get one, dammit? Invent something for this freaking country maybe? Myabe they'll want to KEEP me then!! :O What a horrible thought.

Erk...I'm totally losing it. I don't know if I'm avoiding typing the more deeper, introspective stuff I used to type. Oh crap...something really bad just stank up the room...and my nose feels like it might fall off. O.O NO SERIOUSLY. Gaaaaaak....I need to get a grip of myself.

BRING THE OLD LUCINE BAAAAAAAAACK.

Porcelain

2006-01-23T17:00:00.000+08:00

Porcelain

There's art tomorrow, but I really don't feel up to it. Quite frankly, I don't feel up to anything. But I'm still pushing myself. I'm quite happy with myself because I didn't give up on my Math test today. Sure, it wasn't too hard, but usually in situations such as these I'd just let my fingers droop, drop my pen and stop. Well I'm not going to give up so easily. I found this a very annoying trait of mine--giving up easily.

And I've decided to figure out why I get so overly emo sometimes. Yes, whiny, and (admittedly) weepy. But that was last year. It's so dumb now that I think of it. I wouldn't call it immature, but yeah...there were better ways to express my feelings....but I guess those were the only options that seemed fine to me at that time. I guess I do feel down a lot. It's like when you're in a huge crowd of poeple but none are your friends...or at least they are but you can't seem to get close to them and really know them..and somehow you feel like they're abandoning you..when they're not. That thought still comes to me a lot. So yeah, I am quite bitter about it.

Sometimes I don't feel like I'm part of anything, which sucks pretty much.
It doesn't matter so much these days though. I guess I like the idea being sort of a loner...you know, me and my head in the clouds and stuff.

I read the article on cosplaying on H6 of today's newspaper. And yeah...it's not really such a bad thing. It's sort of like expressing yourself. But I hate people who do it just because it's the latest fad to swing by. The most overused word, or words of this century is 'hip' and 'cool'. Even when I say words like those to maybe be extremely disdainful of something, I can't help but inwardly retch at the immature, sickeningly superficial sound of them.

Point is, what people mean when they say 'be original', 'be different', 'or be yourself', is that you should not change yourself or do and like things just because they're 'original'. Things that are 'original' are different. And if you like them just because being 'original' is the LATEST FAD TO SWING BY, then you are no better than those little twits who gawk at talentless retards like Hilary Duff, or those who clamour to get the latest fashion item because "it's just so hot in Japan right now".

Okay. My rant is now over. Now to document my day.
I woke up to Groove Coverage's Last Unicorn. Stayed in bed just a little longer to hear the entire song, before I sprang out of bed (okay, so sprang is a bit of a stretch. Crawled was more like it).

I heard at school today that 3A2's classroom exterior got vandalised by A MYSTERIOUS CULPRIT. OMG!! o.o HAHAHA.....not like I care much. >.>;; Because I still have a few issues that have trouble clearing up. Man, why can't I let things go? Nevermind...I'd rather be some crazy, insane, grudge-holding, vindictive little maniac than some perky, overly-enthusiastic, ignorant moron.

sCrapped

2006-01-22T22:11:00.000+08:00

I was trying to clean up my DA gallery just a few moments ago, and found I could not throw away certain things, because people had made some really beautiful comments on them, even though my art wasn't really superb.

It's weird and different now. Now that my art's better, and now that I'm older and don't appear so hyper or completely ignorant online, the beautiful comments seem less beautiful, and in lesser numbers they come.

I found it especially hard to throw away those which had her comments on it. Some of the pictures were total crap, but if she said something good, I'd keep it. Why? Do I look up to her so much? It's been about a year since we'd last spoken.

Funny how my life was affected, just by a silly online game. Our characters had been friends. I found the roleplaying just delightful. There was a thrill, in the little group of our characters and others, where things would happen. It was fun in a way. Her character was, to put it the way I and many others had thought, insanely desirable. There was a certain lure in the gothic horror and macabre, the intrigue of the supernatural, and the odd fascination with the tragedy. Of course, it was bliss while I was still in the early ages of 12 and 13. But things went downhill right after that...once we all grew up...and grew apart.

It's...strange. Imagine me, in my years of 6th and 7th grade, having my life affected by simple character roleplaying. It was THAT intense for me. I remember how I got so terribly upset when things went crapville between our characters.

I wonder if she felt the same?
I doubt so, though.

UBER PISSED

2006-01-22T13:26:00.000+08:00

I just looked at some of the iamges of s'pore's cosfest even in declast year, and I feel like throwing up somehow. OKAAAAAAYYYY.....not to sound elitist or anything...(haha...I'll end up sounding elitist anyway so...blah X.X) but my general take on this is they're just doing this because..what? They saw a really cute anime and they want to go flouncing about in a poofy dress? Oh, how about this. Seeing all the pictures of those people in japan totering around in loligoth wear, YOU JUST CAN'T RESIST BUT GO GET ONE AND TOTTER AROUND AT COSFEST AND WHOOPEE ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU'RE PART OF AN 'ARTISTIC' MOVEMENT.

Honestly, I have no idea what I just typed, but don't bother about it, cause I just needed to get it out of my system....and I know it didn't make much sense.

I dont know. Since I couldn't find ANYTHING when me and Vanessa went trooping around town looking for people hopefully belonging to some subculture. I hate the whole 'movement' here in singapore. It's not REALLY a movement is it? People become part of a subculture if they share the same views and take on life. It just erks me to see people from OUR country on vampirefreaks going all 'I'M MORBIDLY BEAUTIFUL' and everything. I'm not quite sure why it bugs me so much, but it does. Being gothic doesn't just mean you have to be in body modification or vampires or macabre and gore. This might not be the exact take or meaning behind it, but to me, someone who belongs to the gothic culture is someone who maybe, has a darker take on life. The gothic culture might represent those things, but that doesn't mean you have to be so entirely gruesome to be one.

Maybe I shouldn't type all this, because I'm just having very mixed feelings about this entire crappy situation.

This entire country blows.

laadeedoda

2006-01-21T09:52:00.000+08:00

I am more fortunate that other people I know, and I should be grateful.
I have enough money even though my parents are not working.
I have enough food to eat.
I know my parents care for me.
I know my grades are alright.
I know everything's alright.

I should be grateful.
I should be grateful.

But it's hard, when you still feel empty inside.
And there's so many people around you,
but no one to share.
But it's hard, when you see everyone about you,
and even though their your friends, you feel shut out.
Then they don't feel like friends.
Even though they are.
It's even harder when you have a dream,
that's slowly slipping away
As you succumb to reality,
and relent to the tides of fate.

It's hard to breathe and think and live,
when everyone you thought you knew
when everyone you used to love
when everyone you used to care for
slowly slip away
and become less real.

Anime

2006-01-21T08:25:00.001+08:00

Anime

I've liked anime ever since I was a little kid. Back then, the first thing I was drawn to were the beautiful drawings. Sure, they had funny dots for noses, and unrealisticly huge eyes, as my mom pointed out. But for me, I'd found nothing wrong with their faces.

The first anime I ever knew was Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon. However, my mom sort of 'banned' me from watching it because it was "too violent".

Anyway, back on track.

Anime is catered to people of all ages. There are the super kiddy ones, and then there are those super X rated ones which are obviously for adults only. The art is beautiful, and in contrast to most (I repeat MOST) english cartoons that I've watched, the characters in anime are more developed and have more depth. I am not criticizing American cartoon or any other sort in anyway. But then again, I live in Singapore, have no cable, and my computer is so full that getting access to other cartoons and animation of the enlglish type would be near impossible, so forigve me if I sound ignorant. (let's get back on track now, shall we?) And, might I add, comparing again the anime's I've seen with some english cartoons, the lines are less cheesy and cringable. The voice work in the better anime's I've watched were amazing, and emotions come through so clear and true. To quote some cheesy lines, there was Lance's (Avalanche) EXTREMELY cringable line in X-Men evolution, only I've forgotten what he said.....but hose who've watched it probably know what I'm talking about. I seen anime with pretty crappy lines and story too, like GODANNAR. The plot was jumpy and inconsistant, and the lines were not all that great.

I'm not saying I hate english cartoons. I love them. I like Spongebob Squarepants (yes, it's incredibly inane, but it's funny) and Invader Zim (that one was so full of brain damage and insane humour that I couldn't help but like it somehow). For a slightly more serious animation, I'd choose X-Men evolution. I'm not too familiar with the X-Men universe, but I like the show well enough. I like the graphics (alot), and the voicework is pretty good in contrast to some other cartoons. There were a couple of cheesy lines, but other than that it was fine.

I;m losing my point again. Heh, whatever it is, I don't think people should go out there and critisize anime or english cartoons (well, depending if they were REALLY LOUSY or not). If it is a real good animation, why are you finding fault with it just because it had become more a of a mainstream form of entertainment? Both are forms of art. To me, english animation sometimes comes across as 'kiddy'. It's bsically the general idea that everyone has. I'm aware that it IS NOT all kiddy, but that is the general consensus. So yeah, I hope you get my point. If I go on explaining, I'd probably go round in circles.

[I don't really know know why I typed this. X.o Guess I just felt like saying something, maybe...?]

BNAGHGL! went the EARTH

2006-01-20T17:07:00.000+08:00

Listening to: CETACEA (Warships of the Moon)
Mood: ??? -shrugs-

I've been in such a perculiar mood lately. I don't know why my tone has been so whiny lately. And I keep gwtting glances from people.....but I don't know if those were intended looks. So, as usual, my mind got all cranked up. It didn't help that I couldn't concentrate all day. My mom told me later when I got home that it could have been the after-effects of the medicine. I'm better now...and my skin isn't as jaundiced-looking as it was yesterday. Yup....back to good-old pallid...white.

I need to talk to someone.
But is there anyone who would listen?

I really don't know what's with me lately. Nothing's been happening. I get irritated with a lot of people, and nowadays, it's like I've got no boundaries at all, so I just say anything I want....which is kind of bad actually, because it's like I'm losing control of myself (yeah I think that's it). I miss hanging out with my old friends, especially Michelle. I think Germaine's cool though. I like Germaine. She's good to talk to. Lai Theng gets a little annoying sometimes. YEAH OKAY, DARN PREFECT. IMA CURTAIN HEAD OKAY?!?? GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ....enough already. And Grace..ha...yeah she's only capable of extremely bad-tasting sarcasm and telling me to stop whining...which get's pretty nerving BECAUSE I DON'T INTEND TO WHINE. It just comes out, 'kay? That's pretty emo actually....in a really...annoying sort of way. x__o'

GEE. I'm getting very enthusiastic in class, which bugs me a little, because I'm afraid people would see me as some rattling, annoying little know-it-all git. I don't know why I'm so concerned with other people's perception of me. I guess I act pretty weird because of that.

Erk...it's Friday...so I'm going to scan in a few of my drawings and start coloring them.

Dx -falls over and dies-

IDIOT.

2006-01-18T16:53:00.000+08:00

I'm supposed to be slaving on my art and Math now, but as usual, I'm NOT. -idiot-

-SNORT-
i'm quite annoyed with gaiaonline. My image won't show up (something stupid about an invalid url).....but anyway, I think it's mostly my computer's fault...or the image hosting site, because everything around here's crapped up anyway.

School was pretty okay. Wasn't that fun. Sometimes I don't know what mood I am drifting into...which is kinda freaky actually. My classroom's nice and small and cosy, and I really like the empty area that's right outside our class. It faces the back gate, and this little field with pretty trees. Yeah, I like trees. Pretty pretty trees. :D

I was trying to pick between gymnastics and archery for the posrts module thingey. See, the problem with archery is THE SUN. I don't like being burnt to a crisp or getting myself black. NO, I'M NOT BEING VAIN. Okay, maybe I'm a little vain. Point is, I just don't like the sun, bruning down on me. On the other hand, I think archery is pretty cool. I mean, you get TO SHOOT AT TARGETS AND STUFF, which is in my opinion, VERY FUN. -cackles- And yeah...I love sports that have to do with weapons and the shit. :} Gymnastics however, IS NOT IN THE SUN. And you get to do really cool flips and everything and then maybe after all 8 sessions you'll be able to twist yourself into some real weird position because you've become so damn flexible. I always have dilemas like these, but today I mentally smacked myself in the head and told myself, "Screw the sun problem....I'm taking archery, and THAT'S FINAL." So that was that.

I met Michelle in the hall during chapel. I kinda miss talking to her, sappy as that might sound. In fact, I miss talking to a lot of people. I see them in the hallways, at the bus stop, and I want to stop and go up to them and talk, but I find myself so insecure. I question myself, if maybe I've let myself go really weird around them lately, and I'm so perculiar (in a bad way) that they would find me extremely annoying. I absolutely DETEST what I just wrote, because it sounds so pathetic I might as well stab MYSELF right now and die, so hopefully no one can come up to me and tell me how pathetic and out-there I sound in my post BECAUSE ALL THEY WOULD SEE IS A CORPSE ROTTING ON THE FLOOR.

.....

I better start doing my work now really....

HUNGRRYYYYYYYY

2006-01-17T17:21:00.000+08:00

I made the most horrible cup of coffee for myself this morning. D:< I'm stil pretty much retching from the taste. OKAY, it wasn't that horrible, but it was yucky enough. >__>;;;

School isn't so stupid and boring and pointless for me these past few days, because I'm actually looking forward to it. FUNNY HUH. Art today was pretty crappedup, basically because I didn't bring my watercolours and ruined my sketch. T_T Oh, and I -miracle of miracles- actually managed to understand what Ms Kok was teaching today. YAY. But when I got home and tried to do my homework, I was staring at my Math homeowrk and pretty much going, "HUHHHHHHH????!??"

I intend to go with Vanessa to the esplanade tomorrow after school to get some shots of subcultures, only I'm really not sure if there will be many people like that around, especially since it's a week day.....but no harm trying right? At least that way I'd have put some effort into getting my research. xD

Okay, my blog is really boring now without all the depressing, super emo stuff. X__X Then again, it's much lighter, and I appear less whiney. Oh yes, one thing to note....I, to quite a number of people in my class, apparently seem EXTREMELY whiney. AM NOT SUCKERS. Sure, I complain, but it's only because I'm trying to point the..er...negative stuff out. But then again, I think they're crazy, because I remember myself making an extremely NON-whiney sentence like, "omg look at the queue at the drinks stall" (okay, that was so not what I said, but it was something like that) and they were like, "SEE OMG YOU'RE WHINING AGAIN!!!!!"

Actually, come to think of it, it was an even more UNWHINEY sentence. Something more like, "How about those tables over there." AND THEY CALL IT WHINEY. HA.

Go check a dictionary before you just anyhow term things.

And another annoying thing is this new nickname a couple of people have been calling me. I'm not going to put it up here BECAUSE IT IS VERY EMBARASSING K'THNXBYE.

Get this straight. My only nickname IS DRAPES....and NOT ____ ____.

Boo-hoo

2006-01-16T19:40:00.000+08:00

I hhave a new nickname now, and it's Drapes. I like Drapes. :D Yesss... it's because of my curtain hair. -_-;;; At least it sounds better than 'Curtain' or 'Sadako', rightey?

I am such a weird loser.

Today....well today was a pretty trying and tiring day. I felt so giddy in class because my head was thinking of so many things and I was trying to respond to people properly and in the way that should seem appropriate. (I don't know how I have suddely become all controll-y over my emotions and everything....urgh...maybe I've done it before....but am only noticing it now? Or..... -falls over-)

MAAAAAAAAAN. I wasted about an entire day in school staying back for a useless house meeting and then the even more pathetic nyaa talk. Both were a complete waste of time. Sometimes, I don't know why I'm so ruled by fear. I measure both sides out, and if it seems to me that I might have a chance of being caught/reprimanded/punished, etc, I'll just submit.

But not all the time. It depends on my mood really. While I'm ruled by logic, my emotions can just completely overtake whatever rational thought I might have if I am having another one of my extremes.

Oh yes. I've got to note this down. I wonder.....and when you read this.....do you think I'm just a little crazy...? Okay, while in the hall, thinking about how stupid it was to stay back and waste my time at the obviously useless NYAA talk, Ms Tini (OMGHOWTOSPELLHERNAME?!?!?) asked those who were interested in learning mtv-styled hip-hop dance to dcome up and meet her. And I SAW HER. I think I must be some kind of psychotic maniac in my head because when I look at HER again, I just feel like yanking her hair and stamping on her stupid little face. I don't even know why I sitll feel this way.....IT'S EVIL. But I do.....and nothing can conceal it. I just....hate so much.

>>;;; Alrightey......I'd better go back to doing my art now. Vanessa is one fortunate kiddo. She can stay at home and not worry about stinking art research since she IS NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TOMORROW.

-ducks under a table- And before you can pelt me with spoiled fruit and rotten vegetables, I'd like to note that I might be changing blog soon.....and again...because sometimes....I have to change blogs when I come across different stages of my life o.o.

Just take note, tat these are the few places where you'd find me. Here,

kage-no-tsuki.blogspot.com
or
cradleofsaturn.blogspot.com

YES I'M INDECISIVE SHUTUP.

Dumb,ne?

2006-01-15T20:13:00.001+08:00

Ne....this is just about the hundredth time I'm posting so, bear with me.

I've been reflecting on certain issues this entire day. I guess I want to talk about them....because...so well, they can get out, and people will know.

[_____Unspoken shadow
hidden chains]

I don't know how you can bear it. I don't know how you can stay silent, suppressed. How can you bear such pain alone? You cover your emotions so well, I can hardly tell. You look so stoic, so unwavering. You seem hard to topple, hard to fall. Don't you feel the urge to break out, to fight back? Fighting back.hasn't been the best of choices that I've made...but...why don't you? Why do you let them take over your life? Even I'm still fighting, in my own may.....and maybe...you are too. Do you know that maybe....you're the only one know that I can open up and talk to now? Ne, Miz?

[Are you still____________
trapped?]

Are you lonely? You are still an enigma to me. I thought I had you all figured out. But I was wrong, wasn't I? I was too proud to think so back then. I think I understandnow. Man....with those things I've said to you...they were horrible things. It never occured to me back then that it might hurt so much, because it sickens myself to think I had said and thought all that. I'm such a sick little nix, aren't I? I bet you don't know that I scheme, and think, and think of ways to weedle information and things out of people. I don't go far on that...but it's bad enough to think of it, ne? You're such a....mystery. What's going on with you? I want to know...but you make it seem like you don't want anyone to know. I guess that's the difference between you and me. But you know...I'd like to hear it....but I guess...you just want to keep it all a secret, huh?

You Are a Caramel Crunch Donut

You're a complex creature, and you're guilty of complicating things for fun.
You've been known to sit around pondering the meaning of life...
Or at times, pondering the meaning of your doughnut.
To frost or not to frost? To fill or not to fill? These are your eternal questions.

What Donut Are You?

FEARS

2006-01-15T12:39:00.000+08:00

Fears____

ifearifearhttaiwon'tbetheonlyone

ifearifearthatishuoldbelefthereallmylife

ifearifearthethingstocome

ifearmyselfandeveryone

ifearnotknowingifearnotknowing

ifear....

Hello. I'm back. Because kage-no-tsuki was not working for me. I ain't a moon child. I'm saturn's child.

gfdgfgfdgfdgfdg

2005-12-31T13:07:00.000+08:00

I hate to say it, but it's the last day of the year....
Moved to kage-no-tsuki.blogspot.com
You still might find me here though....

FEEEEE. My sister closed the internet window when I was halfway through my post. >>; SHE CAN BE SO ANNOYING.

Had her birthday dinner at the borsch russian restaurant in serangoon gardens on thursday. The place reminded me off old motels in new zealand. X.X It was okay though. I liked the soup. Then we went for a second round yesterday at fish and co. The serving of fish and chips was huge. But I managed to finished it. I hate wasting food. Then we splurged a disastrous amount of money at the arcade, which I feel pretty sore about. 22 dollars. 22. =___=;;; I swear I will never go to the arcade again, but I really worked off some fats with the jurassic park/lost world kill-the-dinosaurs game (wasted a lot of coins on that), and the air hockey. I felt bad about killing the dinosaurs because I LOVE RAPTORS. -falls over- Okay, really not making sense now....

MORONS. TT.TT

2005-12-30T13:05:00.000+08:00

Pretty annoyed now, beacause I'm totally off-track with my essay, and everything else, and my spastard (yes, I made that up, okay?) CCA monkeybutts want us to have some silly little meeting about the fair (I'm thinking CCA...like who wants to join computer club!??!?). KEH. Like I'll go.....

>>; I'm trying to find the insert music in episode 11 of gundam seed destiny where athrun, yzak and dearka visit the graves of their fallen comrades. And it's REALLY NICE AND GREAT AND AWESOME AND GOOD AND SAD SOUNDING.

But I don't know the name. And really should go back to my essay now. Even though I'm quite sure I'm out of ideas.

dsghjdsjklgjsgjes

2005-12-29T12:16:00.000+08:00

It's my sister's birthday tomorrow, but she kinda wanted the presents now, so my parents gave 'em to her.

I got one too.

And it's an mp3 player. A Zen NEEON.

I don't know much about mp3 players, but what the hell. IT'S A FRIKKIN MP3 PLAYER.

And it's purple. And black. And shiny. I like shiny. And stores 3000 songs. I can die happy now.

And from the 31st of December onwards, you can no longer find me here. Instead I will be found

[ Here ]

>o>;; I feel kinda bad....it's my parent's money that got me the stuff... and you know they don't work...but we've got savings....ehh... -slinks awa

Oh....and er...
http://www.quizyourfriends.com/yourquiz.php?quizname=051229010927-543641

Heh.

kieilsaiea

2005-12-28T22:14:00.000+08:00

Okay. I've finally seen The Chronicles of Narnia.

There were a few parts where some really annoying people in the audience started sniggering, which got me pretty ticked off. The movie got me a bit confused at the beginning, because everything just went by pretty fast. I LOVE the battle scene where the gryphon swoops around and screeches and stuff. There was one part where....I felt.....I felt...weird about it. Not in a bad way...but it's personal. Oh, and for those who didn't read the books, you might find it a little confusing at some parts.....and the ending MIGHT suck to you, though it was perfectly find for me.

<3 Woohoo...Ima Demon of Starlight now. [vampire game] S'yah..it's pretty pointless but...eh. It kills time.

>>;; I'm pretty okay on my homework schedule. I'm not working hard, but I'm working on it. Nothing much really I actually don't feel like saying much, which is odd for me.

Nyaa.

>:} I got myself an L poster. And a really pretty one of Tifa Lockhart in Advent Children. I would've gotten the other Death Note posters with Misa and Raito on them, but seriously, three bucks a poster? yeah, and I kinda found out that the chinese and untranslated versions of DN cost only $5.oo. I paid 15 bucks for the english version of mine. And from what the guy at comics connection said, it seemed that there wasn't a translated version available for DN, even though I saw the translated version at Kino, but it's Kino, so go figure.

Fifteen dollar. Five dollars.

I could've gotten about 6 of them....if I knew how to read chinese. D:

iluuuuuu

2005-12-27T09:25:00.000+08:00

I've got that stupid Kids Central 'rock' video music STUCK IN MY HEAD. =___=;;

Slight developments in my Commonwealth Essay piece. I'm doing Colours now.

And I'm trying to make it as kick-arse as possible. :)

Ciao.

OH.

One more thing...

Sign up And igve me bloooood >:}
Um...it's an odd sort of game. You don't have to play it. BUT PEOPLE ARE DRAINING BLOOD FROM ME AND I NEED MORE. -twitches-

eeeeeeee

2005-12-25T13:08:00.000+08:00

Merry Christmas, silly monkeys. 8D

So yesterday, I decided to go to my aunt's house for the christmas dinner. I knew if I didn't go, I'll have a horrible and cynical look on Christmas forever. It was....okay. I recieved a couple of gifts that weren't exactly a 'ME' kind of gift, but they were practical, so it was okay. The food was alright. Victoria, my cousin's baby was there. Okay....FINE. She's cute. -grumbles- THERE. I said it. Some babies can...be cute. :/

Ive kinda decided what I'll do for my Commonwealth Essay. It's either Colours or Water. I think I can relate a little to both. Problem is, the first line that comes to mind when I think about 'Colours' is a primary one sentence, "Colours are all around us," -_-;;

And with water? This:

"Adria was afraid of water. Water scared her. She couldn't swim. Even on a warm and humid summer's day such as this one, the cool blues of the swimming pool couldn't tempt her into going in."

And that's it. GAH. The only thing I can think of 'Water' is MY OWN aversion to swimming...and pools and stuff. And colors? I can only think of autumn leaves. My work and life is like a broken compass; spinning, and spinning...never stopping. Confused, my direction unclear.

Plegh. -huggles L plushie-

A nod to Geraldine, here. <3 I can see that you're a good person.....a great friend. In my downest moods, I always knew that all those around me were still my friends, but I was just completely dark...then. Everything seemed bleak, and when I told myself my friends were still there for me, I just second-guessed myself.

>>; Okay, so my entires DO depress people.

Today was and is an okay day. Not a great day, but neither is it a completely bleak day. I pretty much just realized I sorta freak when I'm around guys. =_= And there's this article in the newspaper saying dating below 16 is a little too young. Ehhh...don't quite agree with that...

Your wise quote is: "Fashion is a
form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to
alter it every six months" by Oscar
Wilde.You are a very sarcastic person with a
sharp tongue. You may not be the one always
talking, but your mind is nevertheless
critizing. You tend to have a cynical view on
life itself and be somewhat withdrawn with who
you really are. Society now is in your eyes
corrupted and you wonder how the world will
survive. And people are in your mind very
ignorant and blind to the reality.

What wise quote fits you? [pics]
brought to you by Quizilla

A little biting...but there's some truth in it, ne?

You are so not Kira!! You would be best as L's REAL
friend or the next L. (Even though I am a firm
believer in the "L is not dead! He's
faking" or "There could be a way to
bring him back!" theories. What can I say?
I loves him.. Um rate and message!!)

Are you destined for a death note? See if you could be Kira! (Death Note pics included!)
brought to you by Quizilla

8D YES IT WOULD!! YES IT WOULD!! JUSTICE WILL PREVAIL!!
-breaks into stupid fangirl-ish giggles-

Disappointment

2005-12-24T17:10:00.000+08:00

D I S A P P O I N T M E N T

Cancel that last post.
I was trying to pretend I was strong. I was trying to pretend that it didn't matter.

I'll tell you how I really feel. I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed with everything that's been going on lately. I'm disappointed with my direction in life.

I've disappointed everyone around me. I know they're disappointed with me.

I don't like to say it, but I guess I am disappointed in myself.

After typing that last post, I went to the room. I felt so lost, so scattered, so broken, so ashamed, yet so angry. It was a horrible feeling. I felt so overwhelmed. I wanted to cry. I cried, but I felt as if I could cry no more, like my tears have all run dry, have all been used up. I couldn't take it. It felt like everything in the world had suddenly lost their importance to me, like nothing mattered. Nothing at all.

So I called my mom. And I told her everything.

It hasn't been the best Christmas Eve for me. I received the gift which my mom bought from me. It was the Chronicles of Narnia, the entire series, in one big book. I just exploded then. I don't know why, but whenever I don't receive the gift I would so dearly like to have, I could cry. I would get very upset. Everything inside of me was churning. I thought of the past. I was sticking to the past. I couldn't move forward because of the past. Iwas so confused, so miserable, so depressed.

I was upset that my parents didn't get the gift that I wanted. I'm not saying it in a spoilt brat way. It was just....christmas is a special day. So are birthdays. To me, a nice gift, something that I would love lots would mean a lot to me. That makes it special. So when I got it, I wansn't very excited....I wasn't very happy. My emotions were torn. They were all over the place, scattered, broken. I didn't want to seem ungrateful. At the same time, presesnts and gifts on special occasions mean a lot to me.

My mom told me, on the phone, that I was disappointed. That's how I thought of everything. I realize I am disappointed. When I'd gotten all crazy and angry during the school year, alienating everyone from me, I seemed to enjoy dwelling in my misery. I seemed to enjoy hating everyone. From another standpoint, it is bad. It is bad to enjoy to hate people. But I had felt that way. The truth is that, when I'd gotten into the fight with Michelle, I just got away from everybody. And then the dividing began. Janice, Geraldone and Jean went together, and in my eye, I saw Michelle hanging with Lin Yi more. I was jealous. I was angry. I was selfish, for hating them because of that. I alienated them. At the same time, I didn't want them to leave.

So. I'm sorry.

It feels absoultely terrible to feel like you have no friends, no one to confide in, no one to trust. It doesn't help when there is an anonymous tagboard poster who enjoys firing acid and poison at your face. And it's worse when the acid and poison have some truth in them, and are fired rather merciliessly. Yes, you heard me Unknown. You slaughtered me. In a way. I still managed to put a front, But you made me question. You made me crumble. You made me even more scattered. I don't know if you are a curse or a blessing.

I'm hoping, that maybe....this could be the point. The point where things could get better. Just...maybe. I hope.

ejtrgfregj

2005-12-24T15:51:00.000+08:00

Regroup?

I think I did make it quite clear that at the moment, my life DOES SUCK. Because...yeah...I made it suck. In a way. I got affected by things I could ignore...things that didn't matter.

I'm guessing. Debbie would curse like that....but hmmm...

I want to know who you are Unknown. I'm very curious.

I also want to know if you are somehow affected by this....or are you just going around and commenting on insensitive peoples' blogs.

sfdgregtre

2005-12-23T11:36:00.000+08:00

Currently playing: Reason (Instrumental)
Mood: Have you ever felt like you had fallen into a deep abyss, but never quite reached the bottom, because you were still falling, and all around you was nothing but darkness? Yeah. Something like that.

Okay. I'm in a very bad mood. I almost got what I wanted to type/write for the commonwealth essay. I was THIS close. See, I can only work when I feel I can. If something in the atmosphere is not right, or it's too rainy or too sunny, I can't write. Shutup. I'm like this, okay? Yeah, so just as when I was about to get started, I hear a fierce ringing of the doorbell. It was my sister, pressing the stupid little white button againandagainandagainandagain. So obviously, I got out of my whole mood. And then, my parents come in, whining about something.

Yeah, thanks. Just what I needed.

So then, I, extremely exasperated, tell them, that I can't work under such conditions, and it was just nice and SUPER QUIET in the house BEFORE THEY CAME IN, THE STUPID MONKEYS, AND DISRUPTED EVERYTHING.

So then my dad says something stupid about good writers not arguing with their tools, and I tell him straight off that he does not look anything like a pencil to me.

So now everything is downhill. Oh yes, also to put to note, that I felt completely miserable and saturnine yesterday. Do you ever feel that everything was just so pointless, that doing your homework would be pointless (What the hell are we doing it all for?), that caring about anything would be pointless. I was just thinking, and my urge to get out of here was and is just growing stronger and greater. That makes everything around here seem even more pointless. I realized that if I left right now for another place, somewhere far from here, with a society that is less BRAINWASHED and BLEACHED, I wouldn't miss anything. I guess that's how it feels when it seems like your dreams are all broken, just shattered on the floor, like pieces of glass so tiny that you can't put it back to how it originally was, and even if you did, you'll still see all the fine lines, all the flaws and mistakes.

And Unknown, if you post a comment that is typically stupid about what I just typed, I won't give a damn. But I would still like to blow your brains out, because such insensitive and self-righteous filth should be gotten rid off. And trust me. I would.

huzzah....

2005-12-22T11:29:00.000+08:00

Currently playing: White Eyes (Gackt)
Mood: ???!??$#%^??

I went to the Botanic Gardens yesterday. It was my idea to go. I'd hoped that if I went there, I might be inspired to write the topic 'Colours' for the Comonwealth essay, but didn't really. T.T I wanted to go to the oldest part, (the botanic garden's has three parts, one with the eco lake, one with the tourism centre, and the last with the swan lake) the one with the swan lake, but parts of it were shut up for renovation, which really peeves me, because I liked the old garden-y look to it, so now they're probably gunna replace all the nice worn brick with steel and glass. Tsch.

u.u I'm so very uninspired, and I've begun to have SO MANY spelling errors lately, and I've even forgotten how to spell a couple of words. WTF IS GOING ON? And I somehow have a feeling that Unknown is one of Jean's fanboys. ee; -shifty eyes- Just a guess, so don't jump on me for it.

Life is all about balance. Darkness can't be
without light, and light can't be without
darkness. You see everything through different
angeles to gain perspective over situations.
You act rather rational and people can find you
stiff and/or emotionless due to this. Life is
not really that good to you, yet it's not so
bad. Like everything else, you need to balance
it in order to find peace.

How do you see life?
brought to you by Quizilla

How Will You Die?
+ Vanish +.... brought to you by Quizilla

I don't get this one...much.

dgfleeeeeeeee

2005-12-21T22:27:00.000+08:00

[ ] I'm afraid of the quiet.
[ ] I am really ticklish.
[x] I'm afraid of the dark.
[ ] I'm afraid of facing my back to open doors at night.
[ ] I am (semi) homosexual.
[x] I believe in true love.
[ ] I've ran away from home.
[x] I listen to political music.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[x] I shut others out when I'm sad
[ ] I stayed out all night.
[ ] I open up to others easily.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I watch the news.
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[ ] I love Disney movies.
[x] I've gotten sun-burned.
[ ] I don't kill bugs.
[x] I curse once in awhile.
[ ] I have (had) "x"s in my screen name.
[x] I've slipped and fell in public.
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation.
[ ] I love Spam.
[ ] I bake well.
[ ] I have worn pajamas to class.
[ ] I have owned something from Abercrombie.
[ ] I have a job.
[ ] Talked on a phone for 5+ hours.
[HE'S USUALLY FICITONAL. O.O] I've liked someone.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I am self-conscious.
[ ] I love to laugh.
[x] I have tried alcohol.
[ ] I have tried a cigarette.
[ ] I have smoked a pack in one day.
[I haven't read it yet. But I want to] I loved Lord of the Flies.
[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I have a few scars.
[x] I've been out of this country.
[x]I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I love chocolate.
[ ] I bite my nails.
[ ] I am not comfortable with being me.
[x] I play computer games when I'm bored.
[ ] Gotten lost in the city.
[x] Thought of suicide before.
[x] Seen a shooting star.
[ ] Had a serious surgery.
[ ] Gone out in public in your pajamas.
[ ] Have kissed a stranger.
[ ] Hugged a stranger.
[ ] Been in a bloody fist fight with someone of the same sex.
[ ] Been in a fist fight.
[ ] Been arrested.
[ ] Laughed and had some type of beverage come out of your nose.
[ ] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[ ] Made out in an elevator.
[x] Swore at your parents.
[ ] Kicked a guy where it hurts on purpose.
[ ] Been skydiving.
[ ] Been bungee jumping.
[x] Gotten stiches.
[ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[x] Bitten someone.
[ ] Been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] Gotten the chicken pox.
[ ] Crashed into a car.
[ ] Been to Japan.
[x] Ridden in a taxi.
[ ] Shoplifted.
[ ] Been fired.
[ ] Stole something from your job.
[ ] Gone on a blind date.
[ ] Had a crush on a teacher/coach
[ ] Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] Been to Europe.
[ ] Slept with a co-worker.
[ ] Been married.
[ ] Gotten divorced.
[Uh yeah. A BUG MAYBE. X.X] Saw someone/something dying.
[ ] Driven over 400 miles in one day.
[ ] Been to Canada.
[x] Been on a plane.
[x] Eaten sushi.
[ ] Been snowboarding.
[ ] Been skiing.
[ ] Been ice skating.
[x] Cried in public.
[ ] Walked purposely into traffic with your eyes (semi) closed.
[ ] Liked someone even though you knew you shouldn't have
[x] Thought of someone almost 24/7.
[x] Hated the world

Got this from Geraldine. You know I love doing these things....

Awwwww...

2005-12-20T12:09:00.000+08:00

<3 Hello, UNKNOWN.

Yeah, this is an entry addressed to you. I have my own reasons for doing so, so if you have anything you want to say about it, go ahead.

Now. Why would I want this world to rot progressively with me? I've just begun to like it a whole lot more. :] I am, by the way, an expressive person. When I am happy, I swing to the extreme and go completely mad. And when I'm sad, I go down to the lowest. So excuse me if somehow expressing the way I feel somehow offends you. Yes, I have written a lot of nasty things about people who are close to me, and yes, I might not sound like the nicest person in my entires. But this is who I am. This is my blog...this is almost like my soul, bare and clean. And if you don't like it, don't read it.

I almost wanted to say that I pity you, but I'm sure you wouldn't like that. I almost wanted to say that I pitited you because you have no understanding of human nature. You no respect for the feelings of others. Humans are humans. We do have feelings, and no matter how horrible they are, they are not exactly bad things.

I must say I do not find your actions and words any bit pleasing. No, not because they are aimed to obviously cause some kind of negative impact upon me, but because you obviously have nothing better to do than post nasty, unwanted comments on people's blogs. Are you that bored? You are just like a bothersome, annoying little pest that no one knows, that just keeps flying around, and when swatted, just won't drop dead.

You've got your game played wrong, dear. It would hurt a lot more if I knew who you were.

So take off your mask.

Hurray for Reindeers

2005-12-19T20:55:00.000+08:00

Currently playing: We are (do as infinity)
Mood: Pretty flustered xO

OMG.

I didn't even know we had to do the COMMONWEALTH ESSAY. Actually, it's more like I can't remember, but nevermind.

EEP!! SOMEONE TELL ME THE TOPICS!!! xO

Er....I went to my psychiatrist again today. The L lcinic at KK is like osme kind of madhouse. =___=;; Really. I really do not want to go out for a long, long time, except maybe if it's to the Botanic Gardens, because I just feel like going there.

Christmas Wishlist (Everyone has one...so I guess I'll just put mine here for no reason at all.. X.X)

-Gackt CD (either Mars or Moon)
-Death Note mangas. @0@
-Moonchild DVD/VCD
-A cat >___o

Feh. I'm still in a pretty shitty mood...guess I'll just have to go and download some yummy Death Note doujins to cheer myself up. ;P

It's a nice day to be buried....

2005-12-18T17:56:00.000+08:00

It's a nice day to be buried....

Now playing: The World Without Logos (RavenWings)
Mood: I'M FEELING ITCHY. O_O That's about the only feeling I have.

Well. Yesterday was a busy day.

First my mom hustled me off to play badminton in the indoor court at my relative's condominium (where we saw a locust..which looks just like a BIIIG grasshopper), which was followed by a trip to Shaw Centre to get my sister's uniform....and an extra one for me. Then we went to Kino, and I got my Death Note mangas, so I'm very very happy. <3 (Only, I've finished reading them both already. =_=;;) So.... 8D And I saw these two girls, in Kino, all Loligothed up, and I SWEAR ONE OF THEM REMINDED ME OF MISS GAN. She had a lip ring, but it looked fake, and they were wearing 6 inch platformed boots, which made them look REALLY TALL. And then I saw another lady, who was chinese, with her hair cut all loligoth like and wearing red and black striped socks, and had those really intricate silver-diamondy skull cuffs.

I went to a funeral today. It was my great-uncle's. I just felt obligated to go. I didn't exactly WANT to go, but I wanted because I felt I was obligated. In a good way. I have an odd fear and fascination with death. When I went up to his coffin, I couldn't bear to look at his face. When I did, I felt....tense. His face reminded me of on eof those mummies...Rameses, to be exact. I felt drawn to his face. I felt like I just wanted to keep staring at his face. He had shrunk so much, and the skin was clilnging to his skull....his face looked like a skull, in fact. Later, at the burial, as I watched them lower his grave into the ground, it kinda hit me....you know... when poeple are buried, and I was thinking, if I were to view him from the top, I would see his face, with thin skin clinging to a skull, with eyes that will permentantly shut, lowered into the ground. And that all will later be covered up with dirt. You'll never his face in person again. It kind of frightened me, I think, or saddened me. At any rate, I cried. I didn't even know why. Funny, how the most significant memory of him was when he came to visit, and stood at the front door, which was a tealy-blue sort of color at that time, with my grandma greeting him, and the gates open.

I've been to a burial before. But I was very young. I remembered rain, and umbrellas. But the most significant thing about that memory was the aeroplane in the sky. I still remember that vision, tha plane in the sky, its engines roaring as it made its path across the vast blue expanse.

X_X I need to do my homework....

dfdgdgfdheheehe

2005-12-17T09:13:00.000+08:00

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything.
You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life.
You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you.

Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.
You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.
Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.

At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.
You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.
You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?

Listening to: Lu:na (Gackt)
Mood: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEEEEEE. ;O

Last night was awesome....I HAD PIZZA. 8D I feel fat now. -pinches self- xO
We watched some show about Sherlock Holmes and then I watched Hellsiiiiing. Afterwhich I watched Criss Angel Mindfreak for the third time. @____@ The Sherlock Holmes show was about ghosts and sutff...and Hellsing about the undead. And then Criss Angel was about levitation.

Which really explains why I had a dream about ghosts and spirits last night. :0 Can't remember most of it though. And something about the dining area of my church camp. I liked that place a lot. Still kinda miss it. BUT I STILL HATE THE CAMP.

I used to have a really negative attitude towards Hellsing because it replaced Inu....but...yeah...that was my only reason against it. ;O But I absoultely LOVE the music. And yeah, it's about vampires. I've been obsessed with things with fangs ever since I was little. I've always liked dinosaurs, snakes, dragons, sharks, you know. So vampires.....with their allure, and their curse of being...well...undead. That's pretty cool for me.

lalallalla

2005-12-15T22:44:00.000+08:00

Music: ._. I can't find my LA LUNA cd, so no music....just the sound of the cpu...humming...yeah.
Mood: MOOD?!?? WOT MOOD? THERES A MOOD?!???

I watched Criss Angel, Mindfreak.

That guy is amazing. And...hot. >_>;;

Don't know....I just like people who can do things that are...different. :} I like people who might seems just a little odd. <3

I like Gregorian chants. Kinda just realized it. Don't know why.

I just painted again today. I tried to do my westernized art style again....and got the shoulder proportions all weirdy. =_=;; I need a new paintbrush. I was using the one which had tape holding both parts of it together...see....it snapped in half once when I closed the door on it. 0__0

dsgdwgd

2005-12-12T21:11:00.000+08:00

Yeah, thanks 'unknown'. Are you too scared to put your name up? Thanks for making my day. You know NOTHING about me. You know NOTHING of why I am the way that I am. I'm sick of all you people who tell me stuff like that, when you obviously have no intention to find out why.

So I advice you to shut the hell up. =__=;

reytrehthtrh

2005-12-12T12:07:00.000+08:00

Release this untouched love of my heart, together with my sigh...
Feeling the cold breeze,
I was picturing my emotion in this repeating night's starry sky.
The melody I was humming
is graved by the time and faded away.

The sorrow of the past is so unforgettable.

And my body, still cannot be dyed into the wavering emotions,
is about to fall apart.

Where shall I go to appease this lonely sorrow of my self?
...Would sun rise in my heart?

Lyrics [english translation]- Mizerable (Gackt)

I feel like an empty shell now. Like nothing matters. Nothing at all. It wouldn't matter if I fail at school. I wouldn't matter if I did't eat. It wouldn't matter if I just died right now.

I'd prefer it that you keep your mouth shut, if you have nothing better to say.

Leave me to die, why don't you

2005-12-11T20:15:00.000+08:00

It's a musical box
playing hurtful truths
Its innocent little rythms,
leave me bleeding and dying

Left out in the sun again,
I feel my breath being taken from me
The sun rips me of my solitude,
exposing my truths in glaring light

Pallid fingers reaching for an unattainable moon
You fail and mourn the loss
of a companion
The stars stare back at you
their blank eyes unerving

I want you to tell me the meaning of the poem. Leave me to rot and die, why don't you. My branch is twisting it's already bent form. I'll take pleasure in your suffering.

Sing the song of the dead,
play the flute of the restless
borrow power just this once
to satisfy your wrath....

There are no such things as friends.

fereyueweu4

2005-12-11T19:12:00.000+08:00

Currently playing: rumble fish by do as infinity
Mood: I DON'T KNOW.////

Sometimes I think happy people are shallow people.

By that, I don't mean, "I'm happy now," emotion kind of happy. I mean people who are happy in general, those happy-go-lucky, generally optimistic and generally problem-less people. In truth, I find them annoying, because they are sometimes so oblivious, or at least seem to be, to the misery of the miserable people.

I saw a letter someone wrote in the newspaper about teens today being obsessed with being depressed. I hate people who are depressed just because the world is depressed, or are depressed because it is cool to listen to some goth/emo band and so it is cool to be depressed and emo like they are. I hate them because most of the time they aren't really miserable, they don't genuinely have problems, and they basically give a bad name to The Genuinely Depressed People.

We have a very fine example of a Happy Person in our class. I hated her because I was comparing myself to her. I hated her because I compared myself to her, and I felt inferior. I hated her even more because I felt as if she was taking my best friend away from me. I hated her because I couldn't control myself, and the more I thought about it the more depressed I got, and the more I hated her. The more I hated her, and the more depressed I got, the more I liked to think of us as The Cheerleader and The Goth/Outcast. Our personalities and interests, to me, fit perfectly into the two 'Highschool Stereotypes'. Take this for instance. I hate sports. I hate sports because I am insecure of myself. I hate sports because I know I would suck at it, even if it is a game or sport I have never played before. She on the other hand, love sports. She is athletic. I showed my displeasure to that when our PE teacher complimented her during a stupid netball practice thing. I sucked at that practice, obviously, like all PE sessions. She on the other hand was good at it. She was Good while I Sucked. The teacher started nitting away at me while praising HER.

I'm still not over it. I'm never getting over it. I'm almost on the brink of tears now, as I recount all those things that have happened to me in elementary school. I don't forget, and somehow I find myself the target of all the tormenting. Did I look like someone with a 'Hello I'm just a shell, so I won't feel anything if you emotionally abuse me' sign stapled onto my forehead? Maybe that's how I got that cold, sniping, sarcastic attitude. Maybe that's why I was so proud of being with the 'popular' people later on. Those 'popular' people were NOT shallow people. They were good. We becamse friends BEFORE they were kinda labelled 'popular'. They weren't really, but it kind of seemed that way.

A lot of people in the first 6 to 12 years of my life thought I was proud. Maybe it was because I got so insecure, insecure even as I was a little kid. I felt judged, though maybe I didn't know how to term the way I felt, but that was it. Maybe that was why I became stiff. I wouldn't behave proud. I always didn't know how to react when someone complimented me. When I did the whole shy 'um-i'm-going-to-not-answer-you-because-i'm-really-embarassed-now' poeple thought I was osme kind of anti-social, cold and snobbish freak. If I didn't, I'd get the stupidest, goofiest grin on my face....and I did the whole silent thing because I was afraid that if I acknoledged it, they'll turn the tables on me and label me 'proud'.

There have been people who changed my life over the years. They were the ones who made my life hell, made me think that dying was better than going to school and facing all of them. Yeah, I thought of dying when I was 7 years old. I thought it was better than having to go to school the next day for my swimming lessons, because I sucked basically. I sucked because I was so unsure of myself, so afraid of making a mistake and failing, so afraid of what might happen, that I didn't try. I just ran away. Finally, the coach got really frustrated at me. I was the only one not passing. He yelled at me. I hated him. So I skipped the rest of the swimming lessons.

Funny you know, when I thought I was over all my friends because I didn't have to see them every other day....but I'm not. I can't look at the class photo. I can't bare to see their faces. I push it aside.

My dad listened to some radio talk show about a scientific experiment. Apparently negativity kills cells.

No wonder I'm still so short.

Gloomy Sunday...

fgdgdHEEE

2005-12-10T22:58:00.000+08:00

Currently playing (in my head): Dare (Gorillaz)
Mood: Feh.

I got back a couple of hours ago. My grandma said someone called for me.

The camp was a nightmare. I ended up not going anywhere, just holing myself up in my hotel room, watching the weirdest movies. Right after we alighted the bus on the first day, all the teens had to go down to a room in the basement and put all their bags their. It was supposed to be a worship service. I ran out. I couldn't take it. There were too many people. I felt so insecure, so self-conscious. I hate running from things, but I do. Sometimes I hate myself that way. And for dinner...the moment I went in, seeing all the teens....and best of all, my dad had picked a small room situated in the hall, and I felt caught in. Caught in with poeple I didn't know. I felt like I was being judged, though they probably weren't. So I ran away, back to my room, where my mom later brought up some dinner for me.

You watch as the rose loses it's lips
of red
Wince as the ice splinters in your hand--
a fragment caught in your eye
You find yourself running a race you
didn't know you were

Play in my prism,
torture your images
Snatch apart your color
and burn that broken wish

Shapes and shadows brought on by water's glass
your fragmented mind is distorted
Kiss the lips of a dying rose,
feel it's tenderness in fading shades,
you find yourself comforted by something you
don't understand

Pull apart the black and red
Void is worse than Death
Pull apart the sheets of white;
perfection is a flaw

Misery is rain on the sidewalk
The Moon can't sing a lullaby
Embedded in your shining iris,
that fleck of potent glass
A crumbled flower of dying reds,
lies crumpled in your hand.

The End is an ongoing circle of chaos.

Cheese, anyone?

2005-12-06T23:18:00.000+08:00

I'm not supposed to be on now....in fact, I'm supposed to be sleeping because I'm suppose to wake up at 5 freaking am tomorrow for the bus ride to Malacca.

Playing: Enrai (Do as Infinity)
Mood: Tired/depressed/frustrated...take your pick

._. I just had a look at Ms Wakerman's blog earlier on. I am now duly traumatized.

I don't want to go to this camp. Why?, Well my experiences with church gatherings such as camps and sunday school weren't the happiest of my days. In fact, when I was little, like k1 or k2, I was sooooo terribly afraid of going to sunday school because....well....it was a new situation for me. So being EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE around gatherings of people who I don't know is not new.

I had a very bad experiance in p5 in my sunday school. And it has never stopped haunting me. Neither has the one in my p4 church camp. I've never forgotten them. And I hate camps, by the way. Plus I've got the most annoying/huge zit on my nose that WILL NOT GO AWAY, and my team leader sounds like the kind I would stay away from.....and not to metion I have MY PERIOD and we'll also be playing water games. =__=

Does that sound like fun to you? What? Are you CRAZY?? That is twisted torture. Uhh...throwing water balloons at people I don't know doesn't sound like fun to me. Gee. I'm going stay in my hotel room alllllllll day and not come out except for meals. I'd rather stay holed in there doing homework. Seriously.

>.>;; I saw this article in 'Life' today.....y'know...the newspaper....about artists being schizophrenic and having more sex partners? And then this other guy saying artists were basically boring people and stuff? Asshole...

Oh. I saw a Black Kite yesterday. I was just thinking about sounds that I liked and I thought of the cawing of crows, and then there were two, two crows outside my dining room window, chasing aorund a brown bird. I went to look...and it was big. Bigger than the crows. I've found my birds of singapore book and found it to be a Black Kite. It was very pretty. :]

Blow sweet bubbles
swallow your fears
throw discreet marbles
wash away the tears....

rgrgfg

2005-12-06T09:00:00.000+08:00

Leaving tomorrow morning.....eep. X.X

My social axiety disordered self shall not be able to stand the torment of another gathering of youths. I might as well die now.

happy?

2005-12-04T13:56:00.000+08:00

I'm one of the winners for the gundam seed destiny competition thingey. Yeah. X.X
Kinda embarassing though...and all I win is a t-shirt...

Now if it was one with Athrun or Cagalli on it, I'll be hyped. -licks Athrun- :P

Maev: I want to see the Athurn shower scene. ):

Me: o__0 You watched it 25 times already.

Maev: I know. >:D

Funny thing was.....it was Kim Wakerman presenting everything and all. -twitches- Yeah. I think you know what I'm going to say.

gregtryhtrht

2005-12-03T20:43:00.000+08:00

Listening to: the soft drone of the CPU
Feeling: So damn craptastic right now

Everyone, I would like to introduce to you, MAEV THE HOMICIDAL KILLER/ARSONIST/EMO POET/ARTIST/OVERALL FREAKY KID.

Yeah. Maev says hi. Maev wants your....bathtubs. o__o That's what she told me. Maev, you don't make any sense. -shakes head-

Maev: SHUT THE CRAP UP BEECH. -kicks the wall down-

Me: o__o

Maev: 8D SAVE THE WHALES!!

Me: ......

Today, I am feeling just craptastic. Not only has the situation on neo gone worse, the little asshole of a bitch on it is playing nice with all the popular artists, some of who I am acquainted with, and one of them, the one closest to me, is siding her. I highly doubt she knows the situation though. =___=;;; It doesn't help that I AM LEAVING FOR A STUPID CHURCH CAMP ON TUESDAY/WEDNESDAY/CAN'T REMEMBER.

X.X It is official. I have Social Axiety Disorder. Go look it up.
No, no....I haven't exactly been tested from it yet, but I know I have it. My nice psychiatrist is asking me to note developments on it. I'll be a full-fledged disordered mental patient in no time, so go me. -dances-

I'm telling you....I hate this country. X.X Can't help it. I don't like how everything goes. Because we have such a small population with the majority (about 99.99999%) full of people with the tiniest minds imaginable, most of us lack total originality. Well....not really, but you know, most of the clothes here are catered to the mainstream because...that's what most singaporeans wear. I ABSOLUTELY HATE CONSUMERS. -bites a doornob- x__o ARGHHHHH..... I don't know how all you hardworking people can talk about getting tutors without feeling like killing yourself....I just don't feel the urge or need to for me. In fact, I HATE tutors. I do better learning on my own, 'xept when I hate a subject I just sit there and stare at it, do nothing and then fail, because that's how my mind has been working for the past 14 years.

And I'm starting to second guess myself. I might have made a mistake.....I feel like I should have taken geography instead of Literature. I'm not sure whether I'll have the same zeal for Lit as I had for the past two years....I'm not sure now. The Final Year Exams started me thinking....and Geography is so much easier, and I do better at it.

I wish this would just all end. I don't want to study here. I HATE the education system here. HATEHATEHATE it. And now I'm getting closer to my friends online then to those here, (oh wait, do I still have any?) and the irony is that I'm closer to someone I've never met in person, who's thousands of miles away in Kentucky, then someone who's maybe living a ten minute drive away from.

If you are so stupid that you haven't guessed yet, Maev is me. I am Maev. She shall be my homicidal half from now on, the one who would posesses my body and force me to commit violent and murderous acts.

SMILE ~~EMO~~ PSYCHO KID.

dffdgf

2005-12-03T11:41:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Reason (Tamaki Nami)
Mood: -cracks open one eye- Eh?? .__o;;

Watch as the cobwebbing glass
splinters and breaks
Trace the fine line of infinity
to the end of its wake
Bow down to vengeance,
Allow revenge your soul
Cast a spell of infinite darkness,
And let it swallow whole.

I slept for about 10 hourse. The dream I had last night was not a pleasant one, and for those who say you can;t feel physical pan in dreams, you are totally wrong. I got stung by bees in my dream, bees that were huge and chasing me around in some red indian tent. Bees that had human heads, that gaped in exaggerated surprise and horror when they found out that they die once their stingers are in. There was a sick part to my dream which I would not describe. And then I' in this library area, with my sister peekeing at the door, and a chillingly smiliing old man in a teal-reen cloak grinning at the window. I call him the 'Grey Old Man', and I don't know why. Seems I time travel back and forth, and then I change gender now and then....and somehow my grandad or father is some guy....who looks and talks ALOT like Lim Kay Tong....and then something about the past that I discovered to time travelling is actually the reason why the business is failing....and when I look across the room at some products in a disk shape, faces appear on them...and they look like pancakes....and then they fade away. And then something about me seeing bright flashes of light and thinking I'm going to die.....and then....

I think you can see that I have a very twisted imagination. And that THAT was a nasty, long dream.

Splinters of glass
Bury me cold
Deep and imbed me
with shards as you are told
Comb the lonely grassbed
look for shrivelled corpses
Speak your tune into
cast out ears
Open spaces and
fallen fears.

...And I don't regret the poison that I have brewed

SO ANNOYED

2005-12-02T08:52:00.000+08:00

Mood: REALLY Annoyed
Now playing: ILLUMINATI by Malice Mizer

I am anoyed at TWO things.
One, is a private matter on neopets (don't laugh at me....IT'S FOR ROLEPLAYING DAMMIT), and two, is a certain someone who REALLY annoys me right now.

=_=;;
I won't bother about the first one, so on to you, Number Two. (hey, that rhymes)
Number Two. I don't know. I think every since you've gotten more 'outgoing' (I think that's a completely wrong word to use, but wth) you've become almost...I don't kow...arrogant. I find the way you post about your incidents with the opposite gender quite the most annoying thing I have ever laid eyes on, besides pictures of Hilary Duff being skinny. o0;; I would have LIKED to put it sensitively, but it is difficult with the situation, therefore I shall just tell is straight to your face. I find you so very unmodest in your blog entries. And, what's with the tear thing? D'you know how FAKE it sounds. Sorry for bursting the bubble here, but you really are starting to nerve me. Or maybe I'm just annoyed that you're souding like you're turning into a pretty, ~~shy~~, boy magnet who is good at studies AND sports.

=___=;;; Got psychiatrist appointment later. And then Japanese class. Leaving for stupid church camp on Tuesday. Can't wait. -sarcastic-

DGDGFDG

2005-12-01T10:09:00.000+08:00

HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE IS TEH SPIFFEH ROCKS.

There were some parts I thought they could've done better though, like the underwater scene. Ron, Hermione, Cho and Gabrielle was so obviously dummies. =_=;; Even if they weren't they still looked fake. And I found some parts a wee bit jerky, but overall, it was nice. :D It is the most exciting for the four so far. And Ralph Fiennes (did I spell that right?) was fantastic as Voldermort. He wasn't just....you now, your typical villian archetype...he did seem more human...with more feelings...but still so inhumane...oh, and his screaming when Harry was screaming...that was good. It made him look like a complete psychopath.

And Snape was funny. I think Snape might be one of my favuorite characers now, besides Malfoy and Fleur.

HORRIDS.

2005-11-30T11:56:00.000+08:00

Okay, Jean. Seriously tired of you and your eye-contact escapades with guys already. =_____=;;;

SHUTUP I'M IN A PRETTY CRAPPY MOOD. I haven't done most of my homework, I haven't watched Harry Potter, I can't get contacts yet because I was too lazy to go to the optician and I don't really feel like getting them yet and I have REALLY DRY eyes so that akes it more difficult, and THEN I HEAR ABOUT ALL YOUR FRIGGIN SHIT-ASS MONKEY BUTT FUCKING ESCAPADES WITH GUYS AND I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

On the other hand, yesterday was pretty good because my parents brought me, my sister and my cousin to the Science Centre yesterday for the Star Wars exhibition, and it was REALLY, REALLY FUN. We did some weird stuff at the Jedi gym, and I think the thing I liked the most was the game using your brainwaves to move the ball. The first round I did with y cousin, I was trying so hard to calm myself, and my parents WERE SO DISTRACTING, and my sister was being a shithead that I couldn't. But I won anyway, and it seemed to me the angrier I got, the ball repelled from me.

The second time I did it, my sister was beating me. She nearly got the ball into my goal, by my mind kept resisting, and our game wasREALY long because there were points where the ball would't move either ways, and hour theta brainwave or something was about the same. At the last point, I'm not quite sure how I did it, but I sorta know how I did, when the ball was about two to three cm from my goal, my theta and (Something else) brianwaves jumped drastically and the ball moved pretty damn fast. Before I knew it, it was over mid point, and then I won.

I like the Science Centre, I really do. So after we were done touring the exhibition (I was pretty disappointed they didn't showcase Padme's outfits from Episode two, because they were GORGEOUS.) we went to the main area, and we saw the electric show thing, and then we went around playing with the waer thing, and the bubble thing, and then we went into the shops and made a fool of ourselves, so all in all, it was a pretty good day. :D

But I still haven't done my homework, and if Jean, Gerladine or Janice read this, please take note that I mean no offence whatsoever, and that this is just a rant from your Social Anxiety Disordered friend. :]

fdsfhdjfs

2005-11-28T23:31:00.000+08:00

JKHDFJHDEOGFODGHJOFDGJFDJGFJGHFDLGJFDGKLF

SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER. HMMM.

Y'R SCREWED SUCKERS.

-runs all the way back to her ward with nice doctor people in white coats running after her with a strait jacket in hand-

BOOMEPXLODEY

2005-11-28T09:40:00.000+08:00

Random Quiz Thing. Do this and write down the names of
four other people that would have to do it.

Do you prefer..?

Techno or hip hop/r&b
Techno.

A museum or a shopping mall?
Musuem.

Some kind of convention (comic, anime, etc) or a sale?
Convention.

Did you ever have...?

An Emo stage in your life?
Yeah. Kinda.

A dream where you killed or were about to kill someone?
Yes. I killed Eva Longoria/my sister. (very long story)

A fear so bad you'd rather die than face it?
Yeah. I hated school so much once I thought dying would be better than going to school. I was in primary2/3 at that time.

A weird s3xua/ dream?
.__,;; One too many....

The people that will have to do this quiz are:

Janice
Jean
Geraldine
Grace xD

Take the quiz: "Your Psych-Ward diagnosis"

Social Anxiety Disorder
Diagnosis: Social Phobia / Social Anxiety.The fear of social situations and the interaction with other people that can automatically bring on feelings of self-consciousness, judgment, evaluation, and inferiority.

You scored as Angry Eye. You are the angry eye. You hate most people in genral but if you could only pick one thing to hate...it would b those effing preps.

Crying Eye

70%

Angry Eye

70%

Hurt Eye

60%

Dramatic Eye

50%

Starry Eye

40%

Sexy Eye

20%

What eye are you (Beautiful Pics)
created with QuizFarm.com

Take the quiz: "What race and class are you,and which should you hook up with?"

Rouge,half elf (Assasin/Human)
Rouges are quick witted,smart, and are fun to have around,just watch your gear at all times! Half elves normaly don't belong anywhere. They are tossed out of their elven home at a young age,and the humans hate half breeds usually.But for some reason assasins under stand your troubles,if they like you.

I'VE BEEN TAGGED OMG

2005-11-26T11:17:00.000+08:00

I'VE BEEN TAGGED Z0mg! This is the most exciting thing that has happened to me in a week. Besides finally drawing Lacus Clyne.

I've been tagged by Geraldine.
http://shiningstarx.blogspot.com/
Rules of the game: Post 5 weird and random facts about yourself, then at the end list the names of 5 people who are next in line to do this.
Don't forget to leave a comment that says "You are tagged" in their blog and tell them to read yours. (Did you say 'weird' and 'random'? Because that is so my area, oh yeah, boo-yah! xD)

Weird random fact 1 : When I was in the 1st grade I was the only kid who drew boobs on my girls. The other kids went 'EW NA NA POK.' WTF.

Weird random fact 2 : I have an obsession with collecting information about people. Not in a gossipy kind of way, but as in a writing down information about the person in a notebook kinda way. I'm such a psychopath.

Weird random fact 3 : I stil play neopets. FOR ROLEPLAYING ASSHOLES. It improves your english. :D

Weird random fact 4 : I go a psychiatrist. Mostly for anger management.

Weird random fact 5 : I am somehow VERY drawn to shounen-ai and yaoi. o__o OKAY VERY RANDOM. -covers face and hides-

I should have drawn Cagalli. :( But Lacus is easier to draw. I could provide you for more random facts if you want. -nods head visciously-

-I have a tendency to be attracted to fictional guys who are suicidal. Don't ask.
-I hate crowded places because I get insecure and feel thst everyone is judging me.
-I love museUms. Oddly enough, I don't like art galleries. Well, the art galleries HERE anyway.
-Why am I even telling you this? Oh yeah. BECAUSE I'M RANDOM AND WEIRD LOL LOLLOLLOL OLOLOL WTFLOL OLOLOLOOLOLOLOLOOLOLOLOLO LOLLOLPKSOFIODSFEFREW----

*computer explodes*

rgrhrhreh

2005-11-25T11:44:00.000+08:00

My ears are itching like shit WHAT THE FUCK??!??

Psychiatrist yesterday. Didn't even know one hour was up. She's nice. :D And we went through stuff about emotions.

OMG Church camp cming. Such a shit event...I don't want to gooooo.... :[
Crazy lumpy carrots! I'm not done with my art yet. -annoyed- Want to see my latest half-way done piece? Go to my gallery! I need pageviews. D: -points to link on the top right hand corner-

OMG COMPETITION ENDS 1ST DEC I HAVEN'T DRAWN LACUS/ATHRUN/KAGALLI/KIRA YET OMG SHIT!

Blacksilver

2005-11-23T16:15:00.000+08:00

I painted my nails. All the nails on my left hand are black and all the nails on my right are silver. Actually more a silver-blue, but nevermind 'bout that. :D

^^ You guys suck.

NIghtmares in the Daytime

2005-11-22T09:10:00.000+08:00

Journal Two
Month of November, yr 2005, day 22

Nightmares in the Daytime

I had a horrible dream last night. I dreamt that me and my sister were running up the stairs of the primary school, and that at every landing, there were psychos that could and would kill you. Well. it's kinda complicated. When we first start running, I see the grey stairs smudged with blood. And then I see a decapitated head. And then somehow, the notion comes into my head that if you just left the people at every landing alone, you would be fine. So I'm coming up one of the stairs, running mind you, and then I see this annoying looking indian girl (she looked very much like my senior. I don't know how my senior got there) carrying a badminton/tennis racket, and I think she's trying to flirt with one of the guys. Somehow I get the feeling now, as I'm typing this, that she mighta gotten herself sliced in at the abdomen. Up more stairs. More hands. More heads. More Blood.

We reach the highest floor we can go, and everyone's crowding in there. Somehow I'm trying to look for my classmate, but someone yells and reminds me that they weren't in that school anymore (of course oo; ), and I'm going, "Oh yeah." Then I grab for my sister. Somehow, she's carrying that yellow school bag, which I have no idea what it's placement in my dream means because that used to be her/my school bag when we were in lower primary. After that we start down, and the notion that they would not attack or kil us if we did not disturb them and kept running was still stuck in my head.

Somehow, I remember in this dream (it's odd, because just as I type the word 'dream', I hear the word 'yume' coming from my speakers, which means dream in japanese) that the people....three of them...I'm sure that they were guys...are in this corner of my room, next to the computer, only I'm not sure I remember seeing the compuer table there. And somehow I go up to them, and I see te tennis/badminton racket on the floor, and blood. I don't know what I was doing, but at any rate later on I'ma sking my mom if they'd left yet, and my mom says they did, and I think I said something like, "I didn't know they left." oo; I don't know how it jumps from the primary school staircase to my room. But I distinctly remember the events occured in both places respectively.

And then I dreamt that I woke up. Because in my dream the clock said 8 or 8 something, and then when I REALLY woke up, it was 7.50.

A very odd dream. And I find linkages in my dreams, somehow. When I was typing on eof the earlier paragraphs describing my dream, I somehow remember another dream, and it just came to me, and it was about the school being flooded, and green and red stained glass windows....like how they used to be in the sincerity class next to the school hall when it hadn't been renovated yet. I don't know, somehow I feel like this one might have been on of my 'replaced dreams', dreams I have forgotten.

Sometimes when I type or write out my dreams, I would somehow remember another one. I don't know, but do you think dreams have hidden meanings? The majority of my dreams (actually, about all, like 99.999998%) have me running. Always running from something, running away. Running from lots of things. And then after that comes the fighting dreams, which usually goes hand in hand with running.

I woke up today with my limbs and muscles being tight all over. Funny, I feel like I've been running all night.

Individuality

Your most prominent characteristic is
individuality! You are unique, and different
from everyone. You're always trying new things,
and experimenting with new looks. You like
being different from those around you, and
don't take crap from anyone who may give you a
hard time about it.

Characteristic Quiz (Awesome Anime Images)
brought to you by Quizilla

Chronosphere

2005-11-21T08:18:00.000+08:00

I slugged my sister's nose on accident yesterday. And there was blood.

'Nuff said. I obviously got hit for it. Like 10 times. But I'm fine. Since I'm used to violence anyway.

The Owl Spirit
You scored 67% Creativity, 52% Compassion, 56% Strength, and 60% Intelligence!

You are an Owl Spirit. You are very spiritual, and at wonder with the night. You think that the night is beautiful, and would prefer to be awake for it. You dream about flying, and your eyes are captivating. Owl spirits are very compassionate, and above all, creative. They are protectors of others.
Don't forget my two other spiritual tests:
Sitakaliism Test Paganism Test, my political test:
The Liberal Test, and my Biology Test

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 44% on Creativity
You scored higher than 57% on Compassion
You scored higher than 61% on Strength
You scored higher than 54% on Intelligence

Link: The Spirit Animal Test written by sitakali on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

You are just...wierd. In a good way, of course. You
draw attention to yourself and can have a bit
of a fuse when it comes to trying your
patience. Be unique, and show the world that
one stand-out rocker can make a difference.
*You're just like me* =)

*Your inside self.* -G irls Only-..::Anime Pics::..
brought to you by Quizilla

What happens

2005-11-18T11:24:00.000+08:00

Journal One (the doctor asks me to keep one. Says it's good for recovery and stuff)

Month of November, yr 2005, day 18

You know it's funny, if you think about it, that the year '2005' indicates the amount of time we have been on this planet from the point of A.D. It's funny because when poeple go around throwing the words, "Oh, today's November the 18th, 2005," or when they're writing the date on their homework or essays, it's just a date. It's funny because when you think about it, 2005 means two thousand and five years. Now that's a pretty long time. If you think harder on it, and not look at it like a date, but a span of time, you will feel quite queer. At least, that's how I feel when I think about it. I have begun to think about when I started reading this encyclopedia on Dinosaurs that I've recently dug up from the old, rotting white plastic trolley-shelf thing. I mean, the dinosaurs have been on this planet for hundred of millions of years. And we've been here too, four a couple thousand maybe? And if you look at the figures closely, like maybe the Cretaceous period (144-65 million years ago)That's about a span of 79 million years, and it won't look like much if you take it as digits printed on a page, but if you look closely and psell the numbers out as words, and think of it as a span of time, and sompare it maybe to a year or ten years of you life, and then think about the mere thosands of years humans have been noted to be on this planet, that is a REALLY long time.

That was a very long opening, but I have decided to write it down, since I have been thinking about it a bit. Now, you might wonder, what does a day start of like in the life of Lucine.M? Now, if you don't know who Lucine is, you are either very ignorant or extrememly incompetent, or maybe both, because if you look to the top of the panel on your right (yes, there you fool) you'll find your answer fairly soon enough.(of course, you might have to take a bit of scrolling to get there)

So, how does a day in the life of Lucine. M start? Well, for one, she gets up and brushes her teeth. Yes, we have bathrooms in our wards. And it's nice and clean, though not very nice. We're not in a prison you know. Lucine hates to wake up late. Unfortunately, sometimes her body just won't listen to her, or her head is buried too deep in the wonderfully intoxicating depths of dreams that she can't shake herself free, which is what happened this morning. Lucine has forgotten what the dream was about, but it doesn't matter much because it is what made her quite mad this morning, not being able to get up early.

I know you think Lucine is mad. She is not mad. -stares you squarely in the eye-

Beneath the mountain
Beneath the sheets of rain
of tears that break each golden dawn
or enchant each silver night
Lies a heart
A giant, beating muscle
Full of blood of man
It is not quite dead,
yet not quite alive
In it resides visions of dragons
of mythical beasts and monsters
Of queer, strange thoughts
Of words and poetry,
of images and dreams
It belongs to a girl
And she shelters it in bits of rain
bits of stars and diamonds from her dark eyes,
brooding they are
She protects her toughts
Placing it carefully, thoughtfully
in the depths of a purple mountain rising with mist
She descends, every now and then
To check it's progress
One day, she knows,
angry tears rising to her misted eyes
the heart will explode
and kill everything in it's twisted reach

The Weirdest Poem I have Written (c) Lucine M

boringnggfd

2005-11-17T19:06:00.000+08:00

I am...

tired and pathetic and totally pointless. I think my existence, other than being able to draw and daydream, and think and cry, is an utter mess and a total waste.

Say hello to the moods now, 'cos I'm Miserable again...

Quote:I smile and laugh but on the inside I'm
screaming [Dear me...how true -dry laugh-]

You hide anger. People have treated you badly and
you can't hold it in any longer. So you became
quite bitter. People don't understand you and
don't want to. They always leave you out and
ignore you. Everything seems to add to your
anger. But despite this you don't show it. You
don't want people to see you that way, they
would hate you even more. You probably keep
quiet and maybe have intervals where you have a
sudden breakdown. People may find you wierd or
crazy but you don't really care anymore. They
always do this to you. You probably are
starting to show your anger bits by bits to the
world. Don't let it control you. You can get
passed it if you try. Consider that the people
who hate you or are mean to you are not good
enough for you. You deserve better. And one day
someone will come along and will be better.
Remember people aren't all mean.

~We all hide something from the world...What do you hide~(with beautiful dark pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Persephone- goddess of transformation! You
are an arist,musician, and writer. Also, a
dreamer,a visionary, and a healer. You have
many moods- and can even be kind of cranky
sometimes. You enjoy spending time alone-
whether it's to work on an art project,write a
poem,compose a song, or just think about life.
You have an inner calm and can be hard to get
to know. Plus, you're super sensitive,
sympathetic, and a great listener. That's
probably why friends would come to you for
advice. While some people may think you are a
space case, you may just be deep in thought.
Because you think about everything.

Which Goddess are you?( WITH ANIME PICS!!!) and for ALL types of girls(7 results and girls only)
brought to you by Quizilla

Currently playing: Shell (Witch Hunter Robin)
Artist: Bana
Mood: ERGHHHHSSFKJD$%$%$^&&*###

Today is a draggy day. I have wasted Today. Not only have I wasted Today, but also Yesterday, The Day Before, and thereafter I will waste Tomorrow, and the Days that Follow.

I hope I have entertained you, my captive audience.

There was a Fantasy Vampire Roleplay going on at the boards. I was so psyched on that (well, because I already have a jenti character) but when I read the posts, I decided not to join in. Why? Because the writer is so AMAZING FASCINATING WONDERFUL -sputters and runs out of words- at her writing. Lots of people on the boards are like that, and I am afriad I cannot catch up. I 'll take the risk of sounding proud now, but I am a pretty good writer. Problem is, I can't write good around good people. I just sit there thinking of all the big words I know, and how to play them out so that they sound poetic and really AWESOMELY COOL. I write good only when I'm roleplaying with someone I know, or someone who is a Completely Annoying Illiterate Shithead. I had the pleasure of roleplaying with one about a week ago. No. I'm not being all....elitist or anything. That person WAS A MORON. She was manipulating MY character and making up stupid impossible things for her's, and for the grand finale, plunged a sword into MY CHARACTER. Ackkkk....that's not really godmoding, but it's almost, seeing the circumstances. e____e;;

ACK. I drew a wyvern. A wyvern is a kind of dragon for those of you who do not know. It has no forearms and it's tail is supposedly different too. I like it a lot, though I'm not very pleased with it. (the legs look funny)

Oh yes. Somebody please kill theat stupid Miss Mice Love Rice Josie-what's-her-name's commercial now, because it is so annoying that I could go over to the studios with a bomb strapped to my body and blow myself up.

What a nice day...